


Lost in the Dark

by piercingsirensfrommars



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Han Solo Lives, I mostly wrote this for myself, I'm Sorry, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Kylo Ren deserves happiness, M/M, Romance, because kylo needs a girl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-09 19:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 41,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5551715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piercingsirensfrommars/pseuds/piercingsirensfrommars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He used to be Ben Solo, a long time ago, and he'd never tell you, but he still feels the pull of the light, sometimes. It creeps into his head at night and no matter how much blood ends up on his hands, how many innocent men, women, children he's knocked into the dirt and crushed, he can never push it out. He hates it. </p><p>Kira's the same way, and it seems like whenever they're together, the light in them strengthens just a little bit, but they can't stay apart no matter how hard they try. It tugs on them, but they've learned to ignore it, until suddenly they end up in the middle of the Resistance Base, and it gets so much harder to let the hatred control them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

~I am not as fine as I seem, pardon

me for yelling, I'm telling you, green gardens

are not what's growing in my psyche; it's a different me,

a difficult beast feasting on burnt trees~

 

 

 

"Do you realize what time it is?" Kira lets out a sigh, leaning against the wall to their shared living quarters as she watches him enter the room after waiting for hours. When she'd returned from sparring practice with some of the newer stormtroopers, she'd expected him to be home already, either hunched over his desk studying, curled up on the couch, or maybe even asleep in bed already. It wasn't uncommon for Kylo to be asleep before her, exhausted from meetings and planning all day but still finished before her late night training sessions and workouts. The past few days had been stressful for him, with the the map to Luke Skywalker right in front of them yet still not in their hands, and Kira knew that he blamed himself for not having it yet. He'd been talking to the Supreme Leader a lot also, and she was becoming concerned that maybe he was being pushed too hard. Sometimes, Snoke had too high of expectations for the young man, and they didn't seem to care how he was doing mentally. Sometimes, he'd come home so frustrated she'd send him right back out to go spend a few minutes at the gym, working off his anger. Sometimes, she even went with him. They were both young and strong, but there was a limit to what they could do. Kira was likely the only one keeping that in consideration, so she did her best to remind Kylo occasionally that he wasn't born invincible. Behind his helmet, he was still human.

"You've got to take a break eventually. You look awful," Kira commands, and he approaches her with a small grin, taking his helmet off and dropping it on the ground carelessly as he walks. It rolls into a chair, but he doesn't notice. She's much smaller than him, with her being fairly short and him being unreasonably tall. She hates it; she wants to be at eye level whenever she's talking to someone.

He walks forward and lightly presses her against the wall, a weary look on his face, and kisses her. His eyes close. She smiles into the kiss, then gently pushes him away, the taste of him still on her lips. She wants him to take her seriously. She sees right through him, and he's starting to fall apart at the seams right now. Kylo hasn't slept for at _least_  three days, too busy interrogating Resistance prisoners, going over battle plans, going to meetings with other important members of the First Order, and monitoring some of the smaller ships sent out to scout. There hasn't even been time for him to sit and meditate, although he told her a few nights ago that he'd found meditating not as necessary as it seemed. He had been moving constantly, working, training, planning, and was starting to adjust to it. He doesn't need sleep. He's only here to take a quick shower before going back out. He can't stay. Kira's overreacting.

There's no need for you to be concerned, Kira. I'm only doing what's necessary; what is asked of me."

Kira shakes her head, her hair falling in her face. She leans forward just enough for their noses to touch, holding his gaze for a few moments. He takes the time to admire her eyes, dark green with flecks of gold, completely unwavering. That's one thing he's always loved about her, since they first met as children; she holds her ground unapologetically, even to men of power like himself. Even to those she loves, if necessary. She would hold her ground until her last breath, and even though he knows he could overpower her in an instant, she wouldn't give in so easily. Kylo knows he has a short temper himself, but she's a whole different story. She looks fragile, but Kira Phoenix, with her copper hair and bold eyes, is not to be messed with.

Kira's still avoiding his lips. He stifles a whine. He's not some horny adolescent boy, though; two can play this game. He slips a hand under her shirt, his thumb rubbing her hip slowly. After a moment, he removes his hand. He sees her throat move as she gulps.She misses his touch just as much as he misses hers. 

"Don't give me that crap, Kylo. You won't be able to survive forever like this. Just take a few hours to rest, that's it. Nothing's happening right now out there." She narrows her eyes as she speaks to him, silently daring him to refuse her. He knows he won't be able to win this fight. She won't stop pestering him until he gives in and gets some rest. He had counted on her being gone or asleep when he came back. 

That same determination got her a position figuring out battle strategies and training the new soldiers to fight intelligently, even though she had no previous experience doing so before joining the First Order. She knows how to use her anger and persistence to get exactly what she wants. She's a thunderstorm disguised as a rainbow.

After thinking, Kylo eventually nods. A few hours can't hurt; General Hux, the uptight ass who's a thousand times more organized than Kylo will ever be, has everything under control. And like she said, nothing big is happening at the moment. No attacks, no meetings... He's not needed.

"Okay." He steps backwards, reaching out to grab her hands. Then, with a smirk, Kylo tugs her to the bathroom with him. "You look fairly tired, yourself."

While he strips off his layers of black clothing, he watches Kira. She stares pointedly at herself in the mirror, carefully undoing the braids in her red hair. She always wears it up, in a neat bun, instead of getting a regulation haircut. He slowly moves closer to her, then in one smooth motion, his hands slip under her loose shirt then quickly pull it over her head. Kira grins, allowing him to completely undress her as she tries to untangle her hair. When she's completely naked, he stands behind her and plants a few soft kisses on the base of her neck. They move to the shower, and she turns on the warm spray, which, coincidentally, ends up coming down right in his face. He absentmindedly pushes the stream of water out of his face using the Force, and he hears a faint giggle from Kira. He takes a step back then lets the water go back to normal. Kira starts to wash her hair in front of him. He starts to massage her shoulders, undoing the knots from training and working all day. She teaches the stormtroopers to fight, and he knows it's draining.

"How was your day?"

She sighs. "The same as usual. They're smart. Better than the last group. Makes it a lot easier. I showed them some more advanced moves if they ever have to fight hand to hand. Did your meeting go well?"

Kira's proud of her students most of the time. Phasma's too controlling when she trains, but Kira tries to teach them to be smart while staying obedient. She's creative, perhaps a little creative sometimes, but every time they leave the base, more of her students come back than Phasma's.

"You know how Hux is," Kylo murmurs. He hates General Hux. People often mistake Hux and Kira for siblings because they look so alike, but they're so different. Hux is even more controlling than Phasma, and it's worse, since he's a General, whereas Phasma's only a Captain. He's so controlled and organized; the polar opposite of Kylo even on the good days. He knows Hux hates him, but he couldn't care less. They don't need to like each other to work together. Sometimes, though, he thinks Snoke's secretly trying to punish him when he forces the two to work closely for a long period of time.

"He's so proud he got to push the button destroying those planets in the Hosnian system. He won't stop bringing it up, but then he'll scold _me_  for destroying First Order property. And then there's Phasma, who's still completely enraged that one of her stormtroopers defected and aided that Resistance prisoner's escape. She's taking it personally; I think she should be, though, seeing as it's her fault. I was the only one focused on the task in front of us."

Kira nods as he speaks. She's a General, but she refuses to be involved in the meetings and decisions. When Kira's not training, she's drawing up battle plans, occasionally spending time fixing long-forgotten planes, or advising soldiers. She's even talked to Snoke about it, and yet here she is, still staying behind the scenes. Kylo knows that she's the only one who's ever dared defy him. Everyone who knows who she is admires her for that.

"Maybe I'll knock some sense into Hux," she jokes. Kira can actually stand Hux, which is another incredible feat. She's not the most social person, for sure, but somehow, she's just polite enough for Hux to not hate her. Maybe they just want to form some sort of red-haired people club.

"Please do."

They finish up in the shower, then get ready to go to bed. There aren't many options for clothing where they are, so they're limited to mostly grey, black, or white clothing, with the rare muted color finding its way into the clothing in their closet. Kylo chooses to always dress in black. It makes those beneath him fear him. Kira, on the other hand, sticks to grey and maroon, unless she's at a rare meeting or working in the control center, when she wears black like the rest of the Generals. Tonight, she picks out a loose pair of forest green pants and a faded grey shirt he knows for a fact belongs to HIM. He slips into similar grey pants and a black t-shirt, then joins her in the king-sized bed in the corner of their room. She's out before he's even turned the light off with a flick of his wrist, and he can't help but smile. He's lucky to have her.

Every single room on the ship is similar: grey floor and walls, black king sized bed, small bathroom with a walk-in-shower, and a decently sized kitchen. When they were accepted into the First Order, Kira was offered a room of her own, but had instead decided to live with her only companion. She doesn't need many people around her, but she's always needed Kylo. At first, they'd been two confused children, but they're older now, mature, and still not brave enough to be on their own.

 


	2. Supreme Leader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kylo ren is bae

~How can you smile with your lips wrapped around a loaded gun?~

 

 

The knock at the door comes at six am, waking both Kira and Kylo instantly. She rolls over, groaning into her pillow, while he forces himself out of bed and walks softly to their door. When he opens it, Kira can see the sharp, pointed form of General Hux standing in front of Kylo, who's still shirtless and has incredibly messy hair. Her eyes linger on his back, the smooth curves of the muscle dotted with the occasional mole. She stays underneath the covers, although she knows Hux has seen her a few times before without clothing and couldn't care less, like most of the people making up the First Order. Sometimes, during training, sweaty, bloody clothing can become a nuissance for her. He'd never remove a layer, like Kylo, obviously, but she's different. Hux is strictly professional, and Kylo would end Hux if he so much as looked at her the wrong way. Hux and Kylo exchange a few words, quiet enough for her not to hear, then the General leaves. Kylo closes the door.

"I'm needed in the control room. The droid we're looking for, the one with the map to Skywalker, is on Takodana. My ship is ready for departure already," he dresses as he speaks, putting on tighter black pants and a black shirt then slipping into his black cloak. He spends a moment brushing his hair, already looking tall, dark and handsome, then his helmet comes last, the trademark symbol of Kylo Ren that he never removes in public. "You're expected to accompany me to find the droid."

Kira looks up. She doesn't like that idea. She's usually telling the troops where to go, how to fight. She's never actually down there, in the middle of it. "I don't want to get in the way. You know that's not what I do best," she protests, still staring at him from under the covers.

"I don't think you have a choice," he tells her, the helmet causing distortions in his voice. She knows he's right. She could be punished by the Supreme Leader if she refuses his wishes. The last time that happened, she ended up with a small scar above her eyebrow, although she never let Kylo know the truth about where that scar came from. She doesn't want it happening again. Snoke wants an obedient soldier, and they both know that she will never be one. Still, he's always trying. He'd told her once that she could be powerful someday, a potential leader.

Kylo leaves after a few minutes. She dresses quickly, in comfortable pants and a shirt then a thick black coat to match his. Then she braids her hair back into a bun. She's out the door in less than ten minutes, winding through the pristine black and white halls until she reaches the office of General Hux. She gently taps her knuckles against the black door, hoping she won't do anything to anger the man. With Hux, she never knows how he'll react, although he treats her significantly better than he does Kylo. Kylo and her both have the same title as Hux, General, although Kylo's also the leader of the Knights of Ren. He's easily considered Snoke's right-hand man.

The door opens to reveal the General. His hair hasn't been combed yet, and it sticks up in red tufts. "Phoenix. I take it Ren told you what your assignment is?" He steps past her and begins walking towards the hanger, and she follows him closely. Kira nods.

"But why am I on the ground?"

The general sighs loudly, narrowing his eyebrows at her. "I thought it'd be obvious to you. We have no way of finding or tracking the droid. Your job will be to get past the Resistance fighters and get to wherever it's hidden. You won't be fighting unless you have to in order to keep moving. The Stormtroopers, unfortunately, do not know how to use stealth. Therefore, it's up to you and Ren alone."

Kira can see what Snoke has in mind. She's intelligent, more so than most of the First Order, and he uses her talents every time they become useful.

"You mustn't fail today. This droid is the key to the victory of the First Order. Bring success to the First Order and you shall find success yourself. Fail, and you will be forced to answer to the Supreme Leader and explain why you were not able to bring him success. Am I understood?"

Kira nods, staring forward at the General and doing her best not to show her lingering fear of the Supreme Leader. Pilots dodge the pair every few seconds, no one wanting to get to close to Hux out of fear of him, but the only one on the Base Kira is worried about is Snoke. She feels memories surface of the last time she disappointed him. She can almost feel the pressure on her neck once again. "Yes, General. Understood."

Hux gives her a single stiff nod, then stalks out of the hangar, workers and stormtroopers leaping out of his way as his coat billows behind him. Hux is feared, for sure. But never as much as Kylo Ren. With every failure or mistake, Hux is notified, and often goes to the Supreme Leader to ask permission to dish out punishment. Kira knows she'll never share that fate, but still, she has to be careful around him.

\----flashback----

"Supreme Leader, I'm sorry, I was weak and foolish, and I won't do it again," Kira begs, on her knees in front of the cloudy figure of Supreme Leader Snoke. She keeps her head bowed, but she knows he's aware of the tears in her eyes. He can hear the waver in her voice, and she knows he's disappointed in her. She's not what he planned for her to be.

Stormtroopers are soldiers, weapons... not children or friends to her. If a Stormtrooper refuses to obey, it is to be punished. No questions asked. Kira has always had a hard time punishing them, though, for silly things like having creativity. And now, because of that, she's the one receiving the punishment.

"What makes you so sure of yourself, girl? You are alive right now because that is my decision. If you make another mistake... well, let's just say you won't be seeing your precious Kylo Ren anymore." Kira feels bile rising in her throat at Snoke's words. Of course, he means killing her. He'd never do anything to Kylo Ren, his perfect soldier. Without her, he'd be alone.

"I won't fail you again," Kira whispers, her throat raw. "I've learned from my mistake."

The old man laughs, almost wheezing. The sickening sound bounces around the room, echoing in her ears. She doesn't see the broken piece of glass until it's right in front of her. She glances up, trying to see what it is, immediately realizing her mistake as the glass cuts into her forehead, just missing her eye. She feels the blood start to run down her face, but she stays completely still. She can take her punishment quietly, and won't move until Snoke allows her to. She feels the Force gently pressing against her throat, not enough to harm her but just enough to remind her what he could do to her. She would never stand a chance against him, even though she can control the Force just as well as Kylo. Not even Kylo Ren, famed General, Knight of Ren, and grandson of Darth Vader himself, could overpower Snoke on his own.

"For your sake, I hope that is true..." Snoke hisses at her, then suddenly forces her to stand, increasing the pressure on her throat. She can feel the Force as it grows stronger and she grows weaker. She knows the blood is dripping onto the floor now. She's starting to worry that Snoke's not even going to give her a second chance. "You have yet to prove your usefulness to me, Kira Phoenix. I suggest you leave before I change my mind." The pressure disappears, and Kira stands up, scurrying out of the room without looking back at Snoke once. She's made it out alive, but she isn't sure if it'll be the same next time. She makes her way back to her room, and has the cut cleaned up before Kylo joins her. She tells him it happened in training.


	3. Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kylo and his bae are cute, if i do say so myself.

~I swear to God my intentions were gold~

 

 

 

"Damn it, Ky," Kira huffs as the un-helmeted Kylo bumps harshly into her for the second time trying to kiss her neck. It causes her to nudge the controls, making the ship lurch to the left again. Kylo stumbles around for a moment then eventually decides to sit in the optional co-pilot seat, giving her a lazy grin. He won't give up trying to distract her; whenever Kylo Ren is bored, he creates his own entertainment. Luckily, they've almost reached their destination.

"I can't help it. You're beautiful," he remarks. "And I know we'll never crash."

Kira shakes her head, focusing on the controls so they don't crash again. After a minute, she begins to land the ship, a little ways away from the others per Hux's request. Takodana is absolutely beautiful, with what seems to be an endless spread of green trees. They go on forever. Kira can see the building Hux told her about while she was flying earlier, the castle of Maz Kanata. Whoever that is, they'll probably be dead fairly soon. The stone is already beginning to crumble.

The second the engine turns off, it's hum fading to silence, Kylo dons his shiny helmet and picks his lightsaber off of the floor where it landed after the ship jerked to the side. He opens the door and jumps out, then turns around to wait for her. She gets her lightsaber, much smoother in appearance than his but the exact same shade of red, and the knife she always tucks inside her left boot just in case, then follows him outside. It's a short jump onto the ground and then she's standing in front of the lush forest.

"It's a shame this place has to be destroyed," Kira comments quietly, noticing a brightly colored bird sitting on the tree in front of them. Kylo looks at her but stays silent. They both question the First Order once in a while, but Kira knows Kylo loves the power he's found under Snoke, and they both know fear will always keep them in check.

After looking around, Kylo starts walking towards the building, where some of the First Order pilots have already started to attack. It's on fire, crumbled into dust already, even though the attack only started minutes ago.

Stormtroopers are swarming it, shooting the people who try to flee. "Kylo..." Kira trails off, struggling now to keep up with him. She doesn't quite understand why he's in a hurry, since they don't know where they're going whatsoever. He takes large steps that she struggles to keep up with. She's looking around, trying to decide where they'd hide the droid. Surely not in the building; it would crush them. There's only one place to run; the trees."Do you see it? It's probably not in the middle of everything."

Kylo shakes his head, but slows down to allow her to catch up. She quickly jogs so she's walking right at his side. She has to keep her eyes on the ground once they get close to the castle; rubble is everywhere, and she can see a few small fires near them, burning the remains of the castle. Suddenly, a man runs in front of her, and within seconds, has a blaster pointed at her. He wears the Resistance logo proudly on his chest. "Don't move."

Kira complies, her hands relaxing at her sides. She sees Kylo turn around behind the man, but the man doesn't notice. He doesn't realize Kylo's even there. That's his first mistake. His second mistake is stepping forward, pulling out handcuffs. Kylo Ren will always protect what's his.

Kylo starts to swing before his lightsaber is even on, and the man's dead before she can process the moment fully. His body crumbles to the floor, becoming a part of the mess left over from the battle. Kylo approaches her carefully, stepping over the body, and turns off the lightsaber. His shoulders are hunched forward, letting her know he's tense. He doesn't like when she's in danger, ironically.

"Stay close," she hears him mumble, then they're back on the move, again going towards the castle. He reaches out his hand and she takes it graciously.

"Sir, the droid's been spotted!" a stormtrooper shouts over the radio causing both of them to stop walking. "It's with a girl, they're heading into the forest directly north of the castle right now."

"Send a fourth of your group into the woods to look for the girl. Don't let them escape," Kylo responds, they start walking towards the trees.

Kira looks towards the treeline, but they aren't close enough to even see the girl. "We have to hurry," she breathes, pulling him towards the forest. She hears a chuckle from behind her, but chooses to ignore it. This is important to the First Order.

"This is why I like you down here. You couldn't pay me to hold a stormtrooper's hand."

Kira almost stops, but forces herself to keep moving. She smiles, though, and she knows that under his mask, Kylo is grinning like a child.

"Same goes for you, idiot."

They walk for a few minutes until Kylo suddenly stops. "Do you feel it?"

Kira slows to a halt, and after a moment, she can sense that someone's nearby. Kylo had been the one to teach her to master that trick, even though they'd originally learned it as children. It has to be the girl they'd been warned about. "She's here."

Kylo nods. "With the droid, most likely." They start to move through the trees, ducking under branches every few feet. They let the Force guide them to the girl. It takes only a minute until they can see her, walking alone. The droid is nowhere to be seen. She squeezes Kylo's hand, feeling his disappointment seep through their bond. He lost the droid. They'd been tricked. She feels the anger simmering in him, feels the Force wrap around them like a blanket.

Kylo holds out a hand in front of her, signaling for her to stay put. He's going to confront the girl. Creeping forward silently, with his lightsaber at his side, Kylo approaches her cautiously. He has no idea if she has any tricks up her sleeve. She doesn't seem to notice him until the saber is nearly touching her.

"Where is the droid?" Kylo growls, the helmet causing his voice to deepen and crackle threateningly.

The girl's shoulder's jerks back, and she slowly turns her head to look at the crackling red saber resting just above her shoulder. She doesn't respond. Kira can feel her fear, and she knows Kylo can too, but she also feels strength. This girl isn't normal.

"I'll ask again... where... is... the... droid?"

The girl shakes her head. "I can't tell you that."

Kylo takes a step back, then holds his hand out, using the Force on her. It washes over her like an invisible wave, and she's out seconds before he steps forward to catch her.

"This is the closest we'll be to the droid today. It's gone."

Kira nods, kicking a rock. She stops it in mid-air, then launches it towards the treetops. It crashes into a branch, frightening a cluster of birds. They dart out of the tree, screeching. She'll be punished for sure, now, even though it wasn't her fault that they weren't prepared for this.

Kylo marches out of the forest quickly, the girl in his arms, not saying a word until they're back in front of the castle. There's nothing left of it. The only difference is the Resistance fighters, including a horde of ships firing on the First Order with unpredictable skill. Somehow, they'd made it in time to defend themselves, and she sees a few stormtroopers lying dead on the ground next to fallen Resistance members. They definitely weren't as prepared for this as they thought.

Kylo leans down and speaks into the radio, "We have what we came for. Pull out immediately. No more ships."

They go straight to their ship, passing a few stormtroopers that are now retreating. Once they're inside, Kylo hastily ties the girl to the weapons cage. She won't be conscious until Kylo wakes her, though. There's nothing to worry about. She's not going anywhere.

"I'll have to tell Snoke we failed," Kira mumbles, slowly taking off her top layer of body armor then nestling her saber in a compartment on the back of the pilot's seat. She starts to turn on the ship, and it hums quietly as it warms up.

Kylo removes his helmet as soon as the door is secure behind them, tossing it onto the ground, then approaches her. He pushes her up against the wall of the ship before crushing his soft lips to hers. He's not gentle as he pushes her shoulders against the cool metal, but Kira's not made of glass.

He keeps her pinned as he speaks. "I'll talk to him." One of his hands somehow makes its way under her jacket, then up her shirt. She had no idea when he'd found the time to remove his gloves, but now all she can feel is his warmth. Soon, his mouth is all over her neck, planting desperate kisses on every inch, as she tries unsuccessfully to keep her breathing calm.

"God, Kylo, you pick the absolute worst times to do this," she groans, and she feels the rumble in his chest as he lets out a laugh. She's sure they both remember at the exact same moment that they aren't alone, and he reluctantly steps back.

"You know, she won't wake up until we get back to the base," Kylo huffs in a whiny tone, but Kira's already moving towards the cockpit, her breathing finally going back to normal. She wants it just as much as he does, but they don't have time for that right now.

"We have to get back," she justifies, then starts the engine before she can change her mind. As the ship rises steadily off the ground, she glimpses a girl not too far away kneeling amidst the rubble, staring into the face of one of the dead. Chills run down her spine, but before they're completely off the ground, she pushes her emotion aside. She can't pity the enemy.


	4. Fatal Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira's not the perfect First Order General, and sometimes, that doesn't even bother her.

~What's so good about picking up the pieces?  
None of the colors ever light up anymore in this hole~

 

  
  
Nobody prays for the heartless.  
Nobody gives another penny for the selfish.When they return to the Base with the unconscious girl, Hux is waiting. He's standing there in his usual uniform, in the middle of the hall, but there's something off about him this time. His face looks worn. He's tired, as tired as General Hux can look. Kira's starting to worry already, and they've been back for 30 seconds.

"Sir," she begins, and Hux's red eyebrows shoot up. "We failed to find the droid."

Hux's attention immediately shifts over to Kylo, who's standing there quietly with the limp girl in his arms. Kylo, who Hux has more respect for. Although Kira's a General just like Hux, she's not as high up on the food chain as he is. To be fair, though, both of them are below Kylo. Hux looks back at Kira, and his eyes narrow at her.

"What's this?"

She sighs, not exactly sure herself. She still has no idea why Kylo decided to bring the girl. Maybe he thinks he'll get information out of her quicker than figuring it out on their own. It's a common opinion in the First Order that you allow Kylo Ren to do whatever he wants, even if you don't understand exactly why he's doing it. When they were kids, it didn't take long for Kira to realize, even though she was at the top of her class, he could be just as smart as she was. He just didn't show it, back then. Now, he uses it as much as he needs. He's powerful.

"She knows about the droid, she'll tell us where it is, where she hid it. We didn't stand a chance finding it in time without losing too many soldiers to the Resistance. I know how you feel about wasting resources."

Despite Kylo's reference to the way Hux always whines about Kylo's destruction of First Order property, the General nods curtly, and he relaxes just a little. "Don't make a mess." After a few seconds of giving Kylo a look Kira's not sure about, he turns and stalks away, his cape swirling around his long legs until he's just a black spot at the end of the hallway.

They walk until they reach one of the interrogation rooms, but Kylo stops her as she tries to go in with him.

"Kira, I'm doing this alone," he snaps, then starts to work on securing the restraints on the girl. "Don't fight me on this."

Kira understands. She wants to help him, like always, but sometimes, Kylo has to do certain things alone. He always tries to hide his darker side from her, rather ironically. It's how he's always been with her, and she really appreciates it sometimes. She's heard about men who grew too attached to the darkness, and would one day go too far and never be able to go back. They eventually went mad. Kira doesn't want that for Kylo. Even though the Dark Side is the only real way to success, they have to be careful.

"Good luck," she offers, and just as she leaves she sees him put his gloves back on, and she hopes he doesn't have to wash any blood out of them later. She's done it way too many times to count, refusing to put bloody gloves in the washer with the cleaner clothing.

As she makes her way back to their shared room, Kira walks by a pair of stormtroopers chatting. She's not really paying attention until she catches her name in the slew of words. She stops a few feet past them, her back them, and the pair grows silent.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?" Her voice is sweet, almost sickening she's sure, because once she turns around to face them, she sees one nearly trembling under his regulation armor.

"I-I'm sorry, ma'am," the taller one tells her. She doesn't answer to ma'am, though.

"You are aware that I'm a general, aren't you? 'Ma'am' is for housewives, certainly not generals I would think."

Both are scared now, and the shorter one has taken refuge behind his partner. Kira doesn't recognize either of them, so someone else must've trained them. None of her students would ever speak like that. It was probably Phasma.

"Sorry, General Phoenix. We- we were just... talking about that girl you and... Kylo Ren... brought in," he responds, his words becoming rushed towards the end. He's more afraid of Kylo than of her.

"That's none of your business. Just a normal prisoner," she explains, and the boy nods nervously. "You're excused."

Both troopers scurry away without looking back, and she continues on her way to her room. Kira knows the Supreme Leader will summon her soon. Probably today, unless he wants to make her wait.

Snoke knows her; how she works and thinks. He could take her apart bit by bit and scatter the pieces and there would be nothing she could do about it. He could kill her, yes, but he'd take much more pleasure in tormenting her, slowly, until there was nothing left. She knows which fate she'd prefer.

Kira has no idea what Kylo would do about that situation. He'd probably watch from the side, completely helpless. Snoke would make her undoing a lesson for the powerful Knight. He'd be forced to watch every second as she was torn apart, and afterwards, he'd be broken. She knew he'd eventually shape up to be exactly what Snoke wanted of him, but he'd still be broken, beaten down, empty, inside. She couldn't leave him like that, though. She could never do that to him, Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, the only man she'd ever loved. He doesn't deserve it.

She takes a quick shower when she made it home, and has just finished braiding her hair into a coppery bun when, sure enough, someone comes to summon her for the Supreme Leader. She notices his eyes, tired and sad, as he escorts her to Snoke's throne room, and wonders how many people regret being a part of the First Order. How many people were snatched from their homes as children? Torn from their families and forced not to look back? Forced to serve a cold, ruthless leader without feeling any loyalty? Lately, she'd been thinking that maybe she was a part of that group after all. She'd followed Ben Solo to the Dark Side, and she'd loved every minute of it up until a few months ago. She'd loved the power, control, security, respect... But she'd been wondering if it was actually all worth it. If the pain was worth the safety.

When she reaches the throne room, Snoke is standing in front of the window, staring out at the stars. She waits just outside the doorway, knowing she's not to step foot inside the room until he gives her permission. He does, though, after a few moments. Not outloud. She feels the Force nudge her inside, and she takes a few steps while trying to hold back sudden nervousness. They'd gotten the girl, who would most likely lead them to the droid, but they hadn't found the actual droid, like they'd been commanded to.

When she's close enough, a few steps away from Snoke, she falls to her knees out of respect. The impact hurts, but she stays silent. He turns around to face her, and in a sickeningly quiet voice says one word to her.

"Beg."

Kira feels the breath leave her lungs, tears starting to well in her eyes. "Supreme Leader, I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could do without endangering too many soldiers, they hid it somewhere-"

"They? There was no 'they.' Just one small girl," Snoke rages, suddenly right in front of her, and Kira thinks back to the last time she'd angered Snoke. When the pressure on her neck appears, she isn't surprised by it.

"I failed you, Supreme Leader, I won't do it again," she chokes out, and suddenly the pressure around her neck increases. She struggles to breathe as Snoke stares down at her with his pale face and empty eyes.

"You told me that last time, girl..."

Snoke's tone begins to terrify her. She can feel that there's more Snoke isn't happy about. Kira knows what's next, what's coming. Snoke can slip into her head without even trying, and she'd been thinking for herself too much recently. He knew, the whole time. "It seems you've been doubting the abilities and morals of the First Order. You have no faith. You have forgotten where your loyalties lie."

Her head is forced downwards until her nose touches the polished floor, and she feels small beneath him. In that position, she can barely take a breath.

"Don't even think about talking to Ren about this. If he finds out, I'm sure he'll become angry with me. Then he could end up in the very same position you're in right now, having the same thoughts running through his head that are poisoning yours. You showed potential once, and I know deep inside you, you still yearn for the power."

Kira nods as much as she is physically able to. He's giving her another chance. She's too important. "Remind me, Supreme Leader. I'm growing weak."

The pressure forcing her head to the ground releases her suddenly, and she looks up to see the old man laughing to himself. She's still having difficulty breathing, though.

"Ren said that very thing to me not that long ago. I'm glad both of you were able to turn around before you gave everything up. It would be a shame to have to waste all that potential, all that talent."

The pressure around her neck disappears, and Kira hopes he's letting her go. He's finished talking to her.

"Leave me now."

Kira stands up fast enough to momentarily black out, turning and walking towards the door as quickly as possible, before he changes his mind. Just as she's reaching her hand out to open the door, she hears the lock click. Kira turns around, giving the old man a short glance, as dread pools in her stomach.

"Supreme Leader?" She wonders, a lump forming in the back of her throat. She's messed up. She doesn't know what she did, but he's not satisfied.

"I believe you forgot to thank me."

With a hiss, Snoke throws her across the pristine room, and her body slams into a wall, pain spreading from her ankles to her fingers the moment she hits it. It feels like her bones are on fire, and she hears his feet getting closer and closer.

"Thank you, Supreme Leader, thank you, thank you," she wheezes as her vision fades in and out, unable to move without hurting herself even more. She's afraid she's reached the end. She's made yet another mistake, this one the worst. Two in one day is a new low for her.

"Don't slip up again." With that, he walks to the door and leaves her, even leaving the door open behind him. She sees the light, all the way across the room, but she knows she can't make it that far. Calling out to Kylo is not an option. She's not allowed to involve him. She'll have to do this herself, using the Force to heal her body unless she wants to be stuck there when Snoke returns.

It takes immense concentration, but she focuses the Force on individual areas at a time, mending the three broken bones she discovers then heals bruises. It must have taken a few hours, at the very least, and when she's finally finished, Kira is completely exhausted. Healing herself drained all of her energy, but she crawls to her feet and makes it out of the room one step at a time. Each step sends pain through her body but she doesn't stop.

Walking through the halls, she keeps her hand to the wall the whole way, afraid of losing her balance. A few men give her strange looks as they walk by her, much faster, but no one stops. No one asks her anything. When she finally reaches her room, she goes straight to her bed and collapses. Kira sleeps the rest of the afternoon and the entire night, letting her body heal more, and when she wakes up the next morning, Kylo is still gone. At the time, she thinks nothing of it.

 

 


	5. Fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i literally don't even read this all the way through before i publish it so excuse the awfulness. anyways, being in the First Order ain't easy. especially for kylo ren, who's actually a precious cinnamon roll deep down, not just the bad boy (with severe anger issues) he seems to be to everyone else.

~Take the pain, ignite it.~

 

 

As soon as he's finished interrogating the girl, who is definitely Force sensitive although he doesn't understand why, Kylo goes directly to Snoke. He has to tell him about her, how she wasn't what he expected. He knows Snoke doesn't enjoy wasting talent. There's a chance they'll turn her to the Dark Side.

He enters the throne room to see Snoke looking out his grand window, most likely watching the ships come and go under his command. Snoke's wispy figure turns around and gives him a thin smile. He steps forward to speak once he's given permission.

"The girl we brought back, she's stronger than I expected, my Lord. She can use the Force, but she's not as graceful, so I doubt she's had any formal training. She kept me out of her head, and she could even get into mine, momentarily," he admits, knowing Snoke won't be pleased with that information. Snoke hates it when people hold their ground against the First Order. He hates it when they refuse him.

"You're telling me an untrained little girl snuck into the head of Kylo Ren?" Snoke sneers, and Kylo nods, concern twisting in his gut.

"She has potential, Supreme Leader," he defends himself.

"Then bring her to me."

"Of course, my Lord," Kylo nods, then turns and briskly walks back towards the interrogation room. He knows the girl could become great if she joined them. He could work with her, teach her how to fight and use the Force properly. She could become a puppet of the First Order. Kira would help. They'd break the girl, Rey, down until she became weak, then they'd present her to Snoke once again for him to twist her mind just enough for her to stop fighting.

He makes it to the room a few minutes later and freezes. The door is wide open. _Shit._ He moves forward slowly, and can see a stormtrooper standing in the middle of the room, his gun on the ground. He's completely still. The chair Rey was secured to when left, the one Kylo himself secured, is empty. It's empty. She's gone.

He storms into the room and shoves the lone man against the wall, his cape billowing around his legs as he moves. The stormtrooper twitches.

"Where. Is. She?"

The stormtrooper shrugged his shoulders underneath his armor. His hands look like they're shaking. "I'm sorry, sir, she... She made me let her go, I don't know how-"

"The Force. She used the Force against you and you couldn't even fight back."

Another shrug. "She was strong, Lord Ren," he stutters. "I didn't even realize what had happened until she was gone. She tricked me."

Kylo doesn't say anything as he releases the stormtrooper. "You're dismissed. You have ten seconds to get out of my sight."

The stormtrooper gives a nervous nod then scurries out of the room in seconds, leaving Kylo alone to deal with what happened. He feels the rage bubbling up inside him, filling his chest with emotion.

He shouts out suddenly, throwing his arm out and dragging the crackling red lightsaber against the panels in front of him, demolishing each one to the point of no return. He runs through this motion over and over again, fuming, as bits of plastic and metal fall to the ground. He's failed Supreme Leader Snoke. He is a failure to the First Order. A simple young girl has bested him, and he'll have to tell the Supreme Leader that she escaped, that he's somehow failed, and it's no one's fault but his own. He shouldn't rely on stormtroopers, but he shouldn't rely on himself completely, either. He's trained for so many years, built up his strength, and it's all for nothing. He still can't win.

After what feels like an eternity of rage, Kylo slumps over, steadying himself against the wall with an unstead hand. He's failed. He's let his grandfather down. He's disgracing Darth Vader and he's disgracing his Supreme Leader. He's disgracing the First Order.

All he ever _does_ is fail.

He's there for hours, probably. It feels like it at least. No one comes for him; no one opens the door. He's left to suffer alone. Once he is able to stand, he rises to his feet, and hobbles out of the interrogation room. He probably looks like he's the one being interrogated.

He goes to Snoke, having no other choice. The Lord already knows what has happened; Snoke knows everything. Still, he truthfully tells him the news. He apologizes for his weakness. He admits to his failure, and begs for another chance to prove his worth, to prove that he can do this right, if only he has a second chance.

Snoke forgives him, instructing him on how to succeed. It's not what Kylo expected, at first. Snoke commands him to finally cut away the part of him that's holding him back. His father is his only remaining connection to the Light. So, Han Solo has to die. It's the only choice he has.

"I will not disgrace you again, Supreme Leader," Kylo promises, after taking in Snoke's words. He's not sure how he's supposed to do it, but he knows it's his only choice. He has to kill his father. After that, his path to success will be perfectly clear. He'll finally break free of the Light that's holding him back. He won't have any doubts holding him back. Under Snoke's guidance, someday, Kylo Ren will rule over the First Order.

" _Excellent_. He's on his way here right now."

 

 

When Kylo walks into their room after spending some time getting more information on the Resistance attack approaching, then an hour in the weight room working off the rest of his anger, Kira's eating an apple at the table, still dressed for bed even though it's closer to noon by now. Her hair is ruffled so he knows she hasn't brushed it, there are bags under her eyes. On top of that, she has a few faint bruises on her arm, but that's become a familiar look since she started sparring with the soldiers. He wouldn't be worried if it weren't for the fact that when he slips inside her head just for a moment, he gets a glimpse of pain. Not the usual pain from training, but something much worse. The look she gives him prevents him from asking her about it, though, and the wall goes up in her mind within a few seconds.

She stands up when he closes the door behind him and gives him a puzzled look. Concern shows itself in her eyes. "What _happened_ to you?"

He really doesn't know. He lost control, he failed, but he's not sure how any of it happened. He doesn't know where to start.

"The girl we found, she escaped somehow. I sent some stormtroopers out looking for her. That's not the main concern anymore, though," he explains, and she sits back down, apparently satisfied that he's okay. They have hard lives, and it's not strange for one or both of them to be under a lot of stress or pain. "The Resistance is on their way here. They have fighter planes, x-wings. A whole squadron of them, but we're not sure what their tactic is."

Kira stands back up, sighing. She doesn't look ready to work. She looks awful. Possibly even worse than him."So, I need to get to the control room?"

Kylo nods, as gently as he can. "Yes. Have your armor on, your saber, and your radio," he tells her. He doesn't want her to be near the action, even though he knows she can fight well. He doesn't want her to get hurt, and that's just the best chance she'll have of staying out of the way. Besides, she's useful to the First Order no matter where she is.

"And where will you be?" she asks as she slips out of her clothing without an ounce of modesty, although he knows now isn't the time to pay much attention to that. He does notice a few bruises on her body, but doesn't bring them up. She dresses in tough black pants and a long-sleeved shirt. Her clothing has built in body armor to at least slightly protect her from blaster shots. Unfortunately, Jedi don't shoot blasters. Another reason for her to stay put in the control room, talking to them over radio and advising them on how to win instead of being in danger. He can't focus unless he knows he doesn't have to be too worried about her.

She has a black coat, just a little more on the stylish side, that matches his, and she puts it on as she takes the last few bites of her apple before tossing it in the trash bin next to the door.

"I hope you've eaten more than that," he remarks, and she actually rolls her eyes like a child.

"Yes," she responds curtly, but he can feel that she's lying. He won't leave her until he knows she's eaten enough to be as strong as she can be. He walks over to the small refridgerator in their tiny kitchen and grabs a piece of bread with bits of meat baked into it, tossing it to her. For a split second, he's worried she won't be able to catch it, but luckily, it lands in her open hands.

"Eat. Then we'll leave. You can't help us at all if you ending up passing out." She actually did pass out once, and ever since, he's been nearly ruthless with her unhealthy eating habits. She spends too much time worried about him and not enough time worried about herself.

She eats the bread quickly enough to prove to him that she was still hungry then follows him out the door once she's made sure her face is clean. He probably looks terrible, so he takes a second as they walk to run his fingers through his messy black hair and make it look a little cleaner. Then, his helmet slides on, and his hood comes next. It's just a few minutes to get to the control room, and when they arrive, the few people inside seem to be in a panic. They pay no attention to the couple. He puts his hand on her shoulder, and she looks up at him. Then, he pulls his helmet off in one smooth motion, despite only putting it on minutes ago. His hand almost looks like the hand of a giant next to hers. He has to lean down when he kisses her, but it's worth it. Her lips are soft and he can't help gently nibbling on her lower lip and her eyes flutter closed. For a second, they're just two lovers, and he savors the taste of her. But then, she pulls away and takes a breath. Cold air rushes into his mouth.

"I love you," Kira smiles tiredly, and her face scrunching up draws his attention to the light freckles that cover her nose. She hates them somedays; she thinks they make her look too cute to be powerful and intimidating but he wouldn't trade them for the world. Sometimes, he's grateful for that little piece of innocence.

"I love you, too, gorgeous," he smiles back, and she leans into his chest. He wraps his arms around her and kisses her forehead.

"You're the gorgeous one," she grins, and laughter rumbles his chest.

"I have to go," he sighs eventually, and they break apart. She walks into the control room and takes a seat, then starts to get her computer and radio ready. He walks down the hall, puts his helmet on, and makes his way to the catwalk, where he knows his father must end up eventually. He tries not to think about Kira's kisses, or her smile; instead, he should figure out how to do this. There isn't a guidebook on killing your father in order to engulf yourself in the Dark side. He tries not to think too hard, though. He doesn't want to have any second thoughts, when his success in being a powerful leader of the First order depends narrowly on his ability to complete this final task.


	6. Home

~and now we sing for everything that we've lost and now we scream for everything that we've loved~

 

 

Kira's the only one in the control room who's not panicking at all. She's sitting at her computer, informing everyone every time a Resistance ship approaches and where it's headed. She has an idea of what they're trying to do: disable the thermal oscillator, which will make them vulnerable. She requests a squadron of TIE fighters to be sent out to prevent the Resistance pilots from succeeding, even though they haven't found a way to get past the shield yet. Hopefully they never will. No one beats the First Order.

In the middle of studying the flight patterns of the Resistance planes as they circle the Base, Kira gets a call from Captain Phasma. Her least favorite person in the First Order besides Snoke, but she answers anyways, because it's what she's supposed to do.

"They've got me, Phoenix, so I don't have long," Kira hears Phasma whisper in a scratchy voice, her words barely decipherable. She immediately goes on her computer and looks for the camera that should show the area the captain is in, but when she finds it, it's been disabled already, showing black. She knows where she is, but she doubts anyone would get there in time. The stormtroopers are elsewhere.

"Okay, what do I need to do?" It sounds like she's being rude, but Kira can't really help unless Captain Phasma gives her more information.

She hears shouting in the background, and for a moment, it seems like she's lost Phasma, but then she hears her voice again.

"They- oh, shit," Phasma snaps, "just get Ren out!"

The call ends in static and Kira sinks back into her chair. Phasma's communicator switches off, likely for the last time. She never really liked Phasma, but she has to admit, it was nice having another woman around. Now, it's just her. She's not sure what happened to the older woman, but she doesn't think about it for too long. There's nothing she could say that would convince Kylo to give up and flee, so it's pointless.

Suddenly, an alarm goes off, causing the man next to her, named Oxford, to jump. Her eyes land on the alert on her screen. The shield surrounding the entire Base is down. The only way that could have happened... was if Phasma had done it herself. So that's what she'd been talking about earlier. Someone had found out where to go and Phasma had failed to stop them. She gave in, but they probably killed her as soon as the shield was down.

She goes back to watching the planes, trying to avoid her thoughts for a while. A few of the TIE fighters have been shot down, but overall, she's sure they'll win. None of the Resistance planes are even close to the oscillator; it's too far to fly completely exposed like that, and none of them seem overly skilled.

She calls one of the security heads and asks him to send some people over to the shield controls to capture the Resistance members who found their way in. Then, she calls Kylo, speaking desperately into her radio.

"Kylo, the shield is down, and they're inside," she tells him. "We're vulnerable. Phasma wants you out."

Kylo huffs on the other end of the call. He doesn't like to listen to orders. She already knew that. "Well tell Phasma I'm not a child; I'll be fine."

"I can't exactly do that. They got to her already. I don't know what happened, but her end went silent."

There's silence from Kylo for a few moments while Kira sits there watching plane after plane attempt to reach the oscillator. Luckily, none of them have succeeded, yet, but she's not sure about anything now.

"Okay. I'll find whoever's inside. Just tell me where they're going."

Kira pulls up the cameras and notices a few figures moving towards the bridge across the pit. It could be the best or worst possible place for a confrontation, and she's just a little worried about Kylo, even though she knows he's more powerful than a couple of untrained men.

"The bridge, right now, you'll catch up if you hurry. And, be careful," she says, then he's gone.

A few minutes later, she checks the camera again, and she sees Kylo on the bridge with one of the men, while the others stand on the side. She's not sure what he's doing; usually he gets it over with. But something's holding him back, anchoring him to that spot. It's hard for her to see what happens, but she's pretty sure Kylo holds out his hands. His helmet is off, and she's wondering what sort of trick he's playing. She squints at the screen, wishing the cameras could zoom in, wishing they were more in focus, and suddenly, she sees his lightsaber go through the man.

A roar comes from the side, somewhere in the darkness, and she swears she recognizes it from somewhere. It's definitely not human, but she has no idea what it is. She's heard it before, though. Somewhere, a long time ago. Without warning, the creature fires a blaster at Kylo, and she sees it tear through his body.

She jumps out of her chair, throwing the communicator to the ground. It breaks apart, shards of plastic spreading across the floor. "I'll be back," she grumbles, then sprints out of the room. She dodges people, mostly stormtroopers, as she runs, and she makes sure her lightsaber is still on her. It is. She grabs it, but doesn't ignite it yet. She might have to sneak around.

It takes a few precious minutes to reach the bridge, and once she does, it's empty. She could almost throw something, she's so angry. Kylo is gone, and he's injured, and she's scared. This isn't supposed to happen to the First Order. She shouldn't have to hold back this sort of fear.

She has no idea where to go, so she reaches out, through the Force. Kylo! Kylo Ren you answer me right this moment, you asshole, she reaches out, but it's blank except for a faint feeling. At least he's alive.

She takes off once again, picking the direction in which she feels him the strongest. It leads her outside eventually, into the snow and the trees, but she keeps moving. She has to find him. Suddenly, someone steps in front of her and shoots. Pain explodes in her side, and she stumbles backwards. A stormtrooper rushes forwards, then stops. "Oh, no, General I'm sorry, I didn't-" she stops him.

"Get back to the Base and forget about it; it's nothing," she snaps, and picks up a jog leaving the stunned stormtrooper behind her. He doesn't follow.

It has to have been nearly an hour of slowly, painfully following the smallest traces of him before Kira finally sees something up ahead. A ship.

A familiar ship, although she doesn't know why she recognizes it. Not knowing things troubles her, but she keeps going. The back is open, but she doesn't see anyone.

Suddenly, the ramp starts to move upwards, closing. She doesn't stop to think, and dives in right before it closes behind her, landing on her uninjured side thankfully. She still feels the pain, and she can see the blood staining her coat, but she'll make it. It's not a fatal injury. As long as she either gets back to the First Order or has the chance to channel the force to heal herself, she'll be fine.

Kira stands up cautiously, taking in her surroundings. It's messy, messier than any ship she's ever seen before, but the parts scattered around the ship remind her of home. It feels strange. She knows where her home is, but this feels different. She knows it's irrational, but she doesn't think she'll be in much trouble here.

The last thing she remembers is something brown in front of her, then everything goes black.

\------------

Kira jerks awake, her eyes opening with a start. It's bright, and it takes her a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the brightness. Slowly, she starts to see where she is. A white room, but not sterile white. It's more like a soft white. The room is empty except for the couch she's laying on, a bookshelf with a few old books, a window with bars over it framed by white curtains blowing around from wind coming inside, and a door that seems to lead to a bathroom.

She has no idea where she is, so she leans over, and starts to get up before the pain in her side stops her. She gasps, leaning back down, then pulls up her shirt, taking a peek at her wound. It's bandaged, and there's no visible blood, meaning it's been changed recently. She's wearing a loose grey shirt and soft grey pants, so someone also changed her while she was unconscious. The window means she's on a planet, not a ship like before she was knocked unconscious.

She knows where she is. She's home.

Not on the Starkiller Base, of course, but the place she lived before becoming a student under Snoke. The memories begin to resurface, the ones she's forced behind a door in her mind, locked, and thrown away the key. She's too weak to fight them now and push them out, so she lets them come. It's the first time she's thought about her family in years.

_Her father, Blake Phoenix, and Han Solo, his best friend, fixing the Millenium Falcon for the second time that day. She's watching, curled up in the pilot's seat with a book. There are parts scattered across the floor, stretching all the way from her to where the two men are, replacing something under a shiny metal panel. She alternates between reading, watching her father and godfather work, staring out the window of the big ship to watch the occasional person go by, and using the Force to lift her half-eaten apple off of the control panel._

_Her dad said she's strong with the Force, that it runs through her veins. He says that Ben's the same way. They're strong, and he tells her that every time she asks when her and Ben are going to be able to train with Uncle Luke and learn how to be proper Jedi._

_Ben's out helping his mother, Leia, and she knows that her own mother, Eva, is bringing lunch soon. She'll probably pick up Ben and bring him to play with her soon, but she has trouble navigating her way around and gets lost frequently. Usually, Ben finds her. He's two years older than her, and he knows the area a lot better than her, although she knows she's just as strong as him. Still, she stays put, knowing her mother will be angry with her if she wanders off._

_Finally, after an hour of reading and playing catch with the Force with her father for a few minutes once him and Han finally finish, her mother appears, with Ben trailing a few feet behind. She smiles, and without a second thought, hurls the apple at his head. It bounces off his forehead, causing her to giggle, but then it flies back towards her, and she stops it mid-air before letting it drop to the ground. Her mother gives her a stern look, then offers her a sandwich. She accepts it, and moves over to let Ben sit next to her. She wants to marry him someday._

 

 

This has been my favorite chapter so far. I hope it doesn't seem too rushed... Anyways, hope you like it :)

 

 


	7. Leia

~and I can't escape this place, it's in my mind~

 

 

Kylo Ren knows exactly where he is, and he knows exactly who brought him there, but he's still having trouble accepting his fate.

He didn't think he'd ever see his father or mother again. He didn't want to. Well, sure, there was a small part of him, tucked away behind his mental walls, that was still Ben Solo, but he'd done his best to move on and build someone stronger, Kylo Ren, and leave his old identity behind. He wanted power, success, fame. But he also wanted security, and that's one of the lesser known reasons why the son of General Organa and the smuggler Han Solo joined the Dark Side. He's always been scared of seeing everything around him crumble, and when he was a child, he learned that it was always the First Order doing the crumbling. That meant that, if you could get on their side, instead of living within the Resistance, you'd be safe. You'd be on the stronger side and you wouldn't have to worry about being killed or seeing everything fall apart around you.

Ben didn't want to watch his parents die, so he left them behind, and did his best to forget them. No emotions meant no pain, and that was all he wanted. So he left them, and when he killed his peers, he spared one girl. Kira. She was his best friend, and he knew she was just as unstable as he was. So he brought a terrified, nervous girl two years younger than himself along with him, and she eventually forced her emotions out, like he'd done. Life was easier without pain, and she agreed.

Kylo Ren let his emotions flow into a bottle, and when it was so full it couldn't hold anymore, it would explode, and all he would feel was rage.

He's on a couch in the middle of a clean white room, the only color being old, dusty books on a tan bookshelf and the blue sky he can see outside of a barred but open window. He looks down at his wound, which is bandaged carefully but showing a few spots of red, and remembers the moment he decided he couldn't kill his father.

If Snoke was there right now, Kylo Ren would be punished. He'd been told that the only way to completely give himself to the Dark Side was to kill his father, and when the time came to do it, he'd changed his mind. He was weaker than he'd thought.

He'd impaled his father with the saber, but he'd been physically unable to cause any further damage, knowing if he moved the lightsaber at all it would likely become a fatal wound. So he'd turned off the lightsaber, and could faintly recall the moment Chewbacca, his father's sidekick, shot the blaster at him, right into his side. He wasn't sure what happened after that, but he assumed his father had knocked him unconscious before carrying him to the Millenium Falcon. Then, somehow, he'd ended up here.

If it was the other way around, and he'd instead been captured by the First Order, he would certainly be in chains in a cold, dark cell, being tortured and maimed until he spilled whatever information they thought he had. However, the Resistance was much more kind and forgiving. He was comfortable, clean, and someone had been taking care of his blaster wound carefully. He was being treated so much differently than he had gotten used to.

He used to be the one doing the interrogating, once in a while. He only did it with the unique cases, but he still participated in torturing, drawing out information before killing the prisoner or sending them to rot in their cell.

He knew, for a fact, that he did not deserve forgiveness. He'd killed so many sons, daughters, husbands, wives, parents, best friends, of the people he was now surrounded by. He had done everything he could to cause damage to the Resistance. He'd murdered so many of their people, so many of her mother's people...

Suddenly, he hears a lock click behind him, and he stands up to face his visitor. It's not someone he knows or recognizes, a small woman carrying a sort of medical kit. She lets out a frightened gasp when she sees him, and starts to back out of the doorway, but he sits back down, giving her his best friendly smile. She slowly approaches her, noticeably locking the door behind her.

"I need to check your bandages," she squeaks, so he leans back against the pillows covering the couch and pulls his shirt up a few inches to give her access to the bandages covering his torso.

"I'm- I'm not going to hurt you," he tries to tell her, but his words come out in a slightly garbled mess, but she seems to understand him, giving him a small nod.

She gently removes the bandage, showing a few splotches of red, and quickly replaces it with a fresh white bandage. He barely has a chance to see his wound, but he knows that they've been working hard to heal it. They're taking good care of him.

As soon as the girl is done, she steps back and tells him she'll be right back with lunch. He lets her leave, then stands, having to lean a little on the edge of the couch. He closely studies the bookcase, noticing a few books he remembers reading as a child. He has a faint memory of Kira sitting in the Millenium Falcon eating lunch with him, one of the books in front of him sitting in her lap.

After a few moments, he moves over to the window, the breeze causing the white curtains to flow towards him. He looks outside, and can see green in the distance, past a square of grass surrounded by mostly white buildings. A few people are in the square, one boy hanging from a tree in the very center. A couple is sitting together on a bench, one of them eating a pear. The other one laughs, temporarily catching the attention of an older man walking by. Kylo continues to watch the man, who enters the same building he's in. He wonders if the couple realizes how close they are to Kylo Ren. He wonders how many people are aware of his presence. If anyone is staying home from work just so there's no chance of him seeing them.

The girl returns a few minutes later with a tray of food. He sees few types of fruit, a bowl of brothy soup, and a glass of water. She sets it down on a small table next to the couch, and he hears his stomach growl in response.

She gives him another smile, then leaves the room, the lock clicking behind her.

The soup is light but filling, and he eats a piece of fruit and drinks half of the water. It's not prison food. He's not sure why they're treating him with so much respect so far.

He's not overly surprised when the door opens and it's not the girl coming to pick up his tray. He feels her, even without having to turn around. She has such a strong presence, he's knocked backwards, and he feels fear growing in his stomach.

"Ben," she says, and even though he hasn't been Ben for so long he's momentarily confused, he turns to face his mother.

She's just as beautiful as the last time he saw her, all those years ago. Her hair is up, like he remembers, and she's dressed in grey. She doesn't blink, and suddenly, he realizes where Kira picked up the habit of staring people down so effortlessly. Leia gives him a stern look, like he's failed to clean his room rather than joined the Dark Side and killed his Jedi peers. He doesn't know why he's not dead yet. He's a different person when he's so far into Resistance territory, and he feels strong when he's away from the First Order. He's more in control of himself.

Suddenly, his hands start to shake, and his lip trembles. He feels tears start to slip out of the corners of his eyes, and he backs away from her. When his back touches the wall, he flinches, and holds his hands out in front of them. They are trembling.

"Ben," she says again, and suddenly she's walking towards him, and he whimpers.

"No, please," he chokes out, and she stops. Her eyes soften and he sees tears in her eyes. He's not ready, he's scared, and it hurts so bad, all of the emotions he's held back for so long rushing to the surface, and he crumbles under the pressure. His eyes are so blurry all he can see is a grey blur in front of him, and she stays where she is.

"I failed," he whispers, and he's honestly not sure specifically what prompted that thought. He failed Snoke when he refused to kill Han, he failed his family when he left, he failed his Uncle Luke, he failed his peers when he slaughtered, he failed Kira over and over again, he even let Snoke hurt her and never once tried to talk about it with her, and he's failed everyone he's ever known. He's failed over and over again and the universe would have been a lot better, safer and happier, if he had never been born.

Leia approaches him now, and he's too shaken to stop her. She crouches in front of where he's slipped down the wall, and reaches out a hand. He's not sure if he can move, but he doesn't have to. She takes his hand and kisses it gently, and he crumbles the rest of the way. He falls into her, and her arms wrap around his cold body. "Shh, Ben, it's okay now, son," she promises, and he feels like he's five again. She smells like vanilla, and he feels her brush his hair back before kissing his forehead. He doesn't know why he ever left.

 

 

 

 

Dear God I've turned the mighty Kylo Ren into a weak child, but that's what he's always been deep down, and you know it. 


	8. Forgiveness

~Please, remember me. I am supposed to be  
King of a kingdom or swinging on a swing  
Something happened to my imagination  
This situation's becoming dire  
My tree house is on fire  
And for some reason I smell gas on my hands~

 

 

 

He's not sure what his name is anymore. He's been Kylo Ren for the past few years. Kylo Ren is strong, bold, powerful, a General and a leader. Kylo Ren is the man who hides behind a mask, dreaming of one day being as powerful as his grandfather, Darth Vader. Kylo Ren is who he is on the outside, but Ben Solo is the boy he'll always be on the inside. Ben Solo is the son of Leia and Han, the curious, hopeful, strong young man who yearns to lead someday. There's a big difference.

Leia only stays for a few minutes, then tells him he should have a little more time to think. He knows she's hoping that when he emerges, he'll be back to Ben Solo, but he's not sure if that's even possible. He's not sure about anything anymore.

He thought he'd fight it, if Kylo was ever captured by the Resistance. No- he knew he would. He'd rely on the Force, and he'd escape, probably killing whoever tried to stop him. Maybe he'd take a prisoner with him, find someone who had access to a ship, and he'd get back to where he belonged unscathed. But now, that wasn't what he wanted to do. He didn't want to fight, or kill, or escape.

It was like coming back to his family had completely changed him. He still felt the Dark, inside of his head, but it wasn't overpowering him. It wasn't forcing him to his knees. Nothing was in control but him. And he was starting to think that maybe he wouldn't mind trying on Ben Solo again.

After a while, he feels ready to take the next step, whatever that is. He can't see any cameras in the room, so he just walks up to the door, knocking a couple times just in case someone is nearby. Then, he sees a small control panel next to the door. There are a few buttons; medical, food, and communication. He pushes the communication button, and within a few minutes, the door opens. Two tall men are standing there, both equally as tall as himself, and the blond one gives him a sliver of a smile.

"Ben Solo. Your mother just finished at her meeting, so if you'd like, we can take you to find her," he says, and Kylo, or Ben, whoever he is now, nods. They turn and start walking, and Ben rushes to catch them as they move down a hall.

"One thing I can't understand is, where are the restraints? I'm assuming both of you know who I am and what I've done."

He can feel the tension start to grow between them, but they keep walking.

"Because General Organa assured us we'd be safe, and we'll always put our lives in her hands," the previously quiet one, with short black hair, tells him, and he can hear the confidence in the man's voice. They truly do believe that they're safe, all because she told them they'd be. Everyone in the Resistance trusts her to lead them and protect them. Even if it's been her own son causing them harm.

They wind through halls, occasionally passing someone. Not one person gives him a second glance. No one here is afraid of him, and it's starting to become a comfort for him.

The two men stop before a door, and one of them knocks twice. The door opens almost immediately, and Ben sees his mother standing there, smiling.

"Jett, Dean, thank you," she says, and the two men not politely before both walking away. "I can tell you've changed already," she comments, and he feels a bit of happiness spring free. She opens the door further and waves him inside. The first thing he notices is Chewbacca. The wookie is standing in the far corner of the room, talking to someone. It only takes a second for him to recognize the man as FN-2187, the stormtrooper that helped his prisoner escape. He's surprised that the man is still alive, and he looks uninjured. Leia closes the door, and the room goes silent as everyone notices him.

Chewbacca is the first to react, letting out a soft roar. He knows what it means, and he slowly moves forward, hoping Chewbacca isn't too mad at him at the moment. Chewbacca takes one huge step forward and hits him hard on the shoulder. Ben staggers backwards, but then the wookie takes another step and pulls him into a hug. He's surrounded by fur, but he manages a weak smile. "It's me, Chewie. I think Ben's back," he says quietly, so only Chewbacca can hear him. He receives another roar as a response, then the wookie steps back.

"What is he doing here, General?" the stormtrooper snaps, and Ben turns around to catch is eye. Leia steps in front of him, and shakes her head gently.

"Ben, this is Finn. Finn, this is my son, Ben."

Finn's eyes widen and his jaw drops. "Ma'am, I don't know what you're thinking, but... that's Kylo Ren, he's the one who hurt Han-" Leia cuts him off.

"He's still my son, though. And you should've been told already, but Han is his father," she explains, and Finn's eyes widen even more, if that's possible.

"I- he's not- where-" Finn starts to stutter, and Ben looks at the ground. He's without his black coat, helmet, and lightsaber, instead clothed in light colors, and he isn't even wearing shoes. He knows he must look different.

"He needs a second chance," Leia says, and Finn bites his lip, but stays silent.

Thoughts of his father suddenly hit him, and he realizes he has no idea where he is or how he's doing. Leia never even said his name when they were talking. "Where's Han?"

Chewbacca lets out a sad roar, and Leia looks at Ben. "He's still healing," she tells him, and he almost feels sick. He did that to his own father, and here everyone is, everyone except Finn, pretending like he's not the bad guy. He's guilty, but there's no trial, no sentence.

"Can I see him?"

Leia nods, but then tells him, "soon, but not today." He can live with that. Of course, he has no choice, and he's actually mildly terrified of seeing his father again. He's scared that he won't ever be forgiven, because he doesn't think he'll ever be able to forgive himself. Another thought pops into his head. He's been so overwhelmed he forgot one thing. He's not actually sure where Kira is; he hasn't seen her here. Well, she's most likely with Hux, safe and on her way to rebuild the First Order. He immediately knows he wants to ask Leia to have someone bring her to him. He doesn't want to do this without her, and she's probably terrified right now. She probably thinks he's dead.

"Kira, she was in the control room when I last talked to her, I don't know what happened to her-" he blurts out, and his voice cracks when he stops talking. Leia responds immediately. She understands how important Kira's been to him his whole life.

"She's here. She's safe." Ben breathes out softly. They both made it, somehow.

They ask him a few questions about the First Order, and he thinks for a moment before spilling information, listing secret locations, codes, everything he can think of. He's pretty sure he knows where Snoke will relocate to, and he doesn't even hesitate to tell Leia. His girl is safe, and she's the only other person in the First Order that he cares about. When he can't think of anything else, Leia tells him that she's proud of him, like a mom praising her son after he graduates at the top of his class, or admits to breaking her favorite mug.

They're interrupted when suddenly the door flies open, and a young man rushes into the room.

"General, they've returned," he exclaims, grinning, and she smiles, her eyes shining. "Thank you, Aslan," she says. "We'll be down in a few moments."

Ben's confused, but Leia turns and lightly touches her arm. "Someone you haven't seen in a long time is here," she whispers.

"Who?"

She gives him this sad smile, and he tries unsuccessfully to decipher it. "You'll see. Come," she commands, then turns to Chewie and Finn. "We'll be back soon." Then, she follows Aslan out the door, and he follows, feeling sort of like a lost puppy. She chats with Aslan while they walk, and Ben figures out that Aslan used to be a mechanic. When the need arose, though, he left his job and joined the Resistance as a volunteer, fixing planes for Resistance pilots. Ben briefly wonders if he knows the pilot he interrogated personally, the sarcastic, sassy one.

Finally, they reach what must be the hangar, and they head right towards a small plane. He's scared, once again. It's like blocking out his emotions so long only meant they'd be more intense than necessary when he began to accept them.

The door flies open, and a girl leaps out. Ben freezes. It's Rey. The Force-sensitive girl who bested him. Of course she survived the battle; she's strong. Maybe even stronger than him.

When she looks up, their eyes meet, and she's marching towards him with her lightsaber on and pointed at his throat before he pats his side and realizes he's completely unarmed and can't do anything in front of his mother anyways. The blue saber sidles up next to his ear, like he did back to her while searching for the droid a long time ago. It's ironic. "What the _hell_ is he doing free?!" She shouts, and she narrows her eyebrows at him before looking away, towards Leia.

"You brought me both my husband and my son back, Rey, and I'm grateful to you for that. I believed that there was Light in him still, and I know I've found it. I know you'll see it too," Leia tells the girl, and she lowers her lightsaber a few inches at a time before it's stationary at her side.

"For her sake, I hope you behave yourself," Rey whispers to him harshly. "I can and will kill you if necessary."

Ben doesn't doubt her. This is a promise she'll keep, perhaps forever. She moves over to Leia, finally switching her saber off, and they exchange a few words before glancing back towards the plane. Suddenly, someone steps out, and Ben's breath catches in his throat for the millionth time that day. He wishes he had his helmet, or a hood, anything to hide behind.

Luke Skywalker lowers his hood, and he catches Ben's eye. He doesn't look happy.

 

  
So school starts back up tomorrow meaning updates might not be as frequent. I hate when essays get in the way of fanfiction, but whatever. Hope you enjoyed this one, I know it's kind of weird still seeing the mighty Kylo Ren suddenly become this quiet, emotional young man, but in my opinion, it definitely fits his character. Kylo Ren bottles a lot up, and I can't help but wonder what would happen if he was suddenly in a different environment surrounded by the people he's always believed make him weak and pull him towards the Light. Kira will definitely be back soon.


	9. Luke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> please comment, it means a LOT to me :)

~Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night; I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight~

 

 

"Ben?" Luke Skywalker stands tall in front of the plane, his old eyes boring into Ben. His uncle looks tired, and he has short grey hair and a beard. He doesn't look like a powerful Jedi, but Ben knows he can still fight as well as he used to. He's always been talented. They both stand there staring for what seems to be an eternity. Throughout his life as Kylo Ren, one of his goals had been to destroy all of the Jedi, ad his uncle would've been the last to go. He still longs for the power, the security from being somewhere where no one can hurt you, but he no longer feels the need to end the Jedi.

They approach each other with caution, sizing each other up and studying like they're preparing for a fight. He's taller than his Uncle, and he feels comfort in being able to look down on him. He feels the Dark side creep into his head, telling him that this is the man he's been looking to kill for years, and doesn't force it out right away. He knows that's still an option. He could do it, take Kira and get out of there fast, and they'd just go back to figuring things out one at a time. He's not ready to completely let go of being Kylo Ren. He feels incomplete without it, like he's naked in front of all these people. Like he has a hole in his head where the Dark should be, completing hin, but he feels the Light tugging on him, too, reminding him of his mother standing somewhere behind him. Kylo's conflicted, and this time he can't go talk to his grandfather about it, which has always succeeded in clearing his head.

Luke's eyebrows shoot up, and he suddenly notices a presence in his head. It's Luke; he's in Kylo's head. He shoves him out, feeling violated.

"Stay out of my head," he warns him, but the old man just shakes his head, ignoring his threat.

"You go to my father for guidance. Tell me you haven't forgotten how his story ended."

He knows how it ended. He's heard the story hundreds of times, from Leia and Luke equally. He doesn't need to be reminded. He knows that his grandfather gave in to the Light and protected Luke, right at the end. He knows Darth Vader let himself die to protect his son. He never wanted to be Darth Vader himself; just the image of him. The tall man dresses in black who had power and respect. That's all he ever wanted.

"I'm constantly... torn between both sides, Dark and Light, and I never know which way to go," he admits, and Luke steps closer.

"Then find your own balance between both, and relearn the ways of the Light side slowly... When I was younger, I felt the Dark Side call to me. I was angry, and I knew that the anger would have made me a dangerous opponent. It was the obviously easier option, but I refused it. I knew it was a tempting offer, but if I went down that path, I feared I would never be able to return. " he says, and Ben's confused. A Jedi would never say something like that. The Jedi believe in only Light, but here Luke is, the last of the great Jedi, telling him that he, too, has felt the lure of the Dark.

  
He never would have expected to hear that from his uncle. He never knew that the man who had trained him long ago had known the feeling of struggling with the Dark Side. Completely. He thought he was alone in his struggle. He opens his mind just a little, so Luke can feel his thoughts. So he can see that he's changed. He's Kylo, still. He'll probably always be. But now that he's back home, he feels the Light so strongly that he's begun to answer to Ben, the name he had when he was Light. He's both, two people at once, both Dark and Light, but he feels a little less lost now.

He's so close now that they can talk without anyone else hearing them, so Ben starts.

"I let Snoke take hold of me. All he had to do was fuel my anger, and I let him. I was so foolish. I did so many things that can never be forgiven"

Luke nods. "You won't be forgiven; not even by your own mother. But you're back home, and all my sister is seeing right now is her only son. She's not going to ignore what you did. But she's going to keep in mind that you're trying," he says, and Ben nods.

"I know. I could never ask for forgiveness," he agrees. His uncle finally cracks a smile. It's small, and he knows he's still not trusted completely, but it's a start.

"Now, is Kira still at your side?"

He nods. She's never left his side, even though he knows they haven't always been in complete agreement. They love each other, though, unconditionally, and nothing can change that. "I was told that... she's here, somewhere. I guess she found me and made her way onto the Falcon."

It feels weird, having what feels like a shockingly casual conversation now, but it's relieving. The word 'Falcon' feels wrong in his mouth after not even seeing the ship for so long. He doesn't feel like he's worthy of calling it by its shortened name, but it slips out before he can think about it.

"And what does she think?"

What _does_ she think? He's pretty sure Kira will be happy to be there. Maybe not right away, but eventually. "She's always... kept the Light inside of her. She mostly just distanced herself, although she actually got punished once for sparing the life of a rebellious stormtrooper. She enjoyed the feeling of power, though. But I think she'll grow to love the Resistance once again."

Luke nods, and he realizes the older man probably wants to see the girl he watched grow up. Suddenly, he remembers her parents. When they left, Kira was worried her parents would hate her, but eventually, she came to believe that they were better off without her. He wonders what happened to them.

"Kira's parents, are they...?" He asks, and he realizes what's coming when Luke glances at his feet for a moment.

"Blake... he was sick when she left. They didn't want to scare her, so they didn't tell her. He died a little over a year later. Then Eva died three years ago, in an accident. Her ship wasn't checked properly before she took it out, and it crashed. I'm afraid she doesn't have much to come back to."

He knows it's his fault. He took her from her parents, all because he was scared. It wasn't fair to her. And now he'd have to tell her that her parents died while she was away.

Kira will soon join the list of people who will never be able to forgive him.

 

  
No, I don't read my work before posting it, so excuse the errors.  
Yes, it's short.  
Yes, the switching between Kylo and Ben was on purpose. Cause he really doesn't know which one he's supposed to be now.


	10. Change

~all night I dream of water that can wash the weight of the world from my shoulders~

 

 

 

Kira's starting to worry. It's been a few hours since she woke up and she hasn't seen a single person. She thought someone would have come to talk to her by now. Maybe she's being punished. All there is to do is examine every inch of the room, taking every single detail. The books have dust on them; no one's read any of them for years. The room itself is clean enough to let her know that someone cleaned it right before she was set on that couch. She doesn't know where Kylo is, though, so even after she's memorized the order of the book titles, rearranged the pillows symmetrically on the couch, and walked around the perimeter of the room ten times, she still can't relax. They could be torturing him, pulling him apart, while she's being kept somewhere safe until she's needed, and she has no way of knowing.

She can't feel him. She's always been able to, and she hopes it's not failing her at the moment because he's being drugged or put through too much pain to reach out. She hopes because his mother is the General, he won't be executed like he should be. Maybe Leia and Han will just be grateful for their son back. Maybe he'll be forgiven. She isn't as concerned about herself; she'll probably end up getting what she deserves, and there's not much she could ever do about it.

She has to find him, but she can't get the door open, and the window has bars over it. She tries using the Force, but she's still too weak, and she can't stand for long enough because of her side. There are no buttons that she can press to request assistance or food or anything, so she decides to take a shower while she's thinking.

When she gets out, she spots a tray of food on the table next to the couch, meaning someone was there while she was showering. She quickly redresses and sits down, setting the tray in her lap. There's a piece of bread, some soup, an apple, and a glass of water. She knows any of it- or all of it, in case she eats only one thing- likely contains some sort of drug, so she decides that she won't eat until she's absolutely starving. However long that takes. She hopes she's found a way out before then, though.

She eventually has to wrap a towel around her torso, underneath the loose shirt she woke up in, because her blaster wound starts to bleed again. It's ironic that she was shot by one of her own men right before waking up in Resistance territory, but she doesn't dwell on it. She's too busy worrying about her current situation.

She has no idea what would happen if she made her way back to the First Order. To Snoke's awaiting punishment, Hux's somewhat reassuring organized chaos... She'd gotten more used to it than she'd thought. Kira hadn't left much back on the Starkiller Base, but she did sort of miss it. You can't just take a person away from the place they've called home for the past few years and assume they'll go right back to who they were before then. She _wants_  to be better, now, wants to try to help people instead of hurting them, but she's not sure how. She's not sure how to go from Dark to Light and not be torn apart. If she's not already broken enough, that is.

She's just closed her eyes when she hears a faint click. The door. She sits up and twists so she can see the door open, and the person she sees doesn't look familiar at all. He's tall, though not nearly as tall as Kylo, and he has tangled blonde hair down to his shoulders. He has some sort of weapon in his right hand, but it's not pointed at her, but hanging loosely by his side. She wonders if Kylo got the same greeting.

"Rylin Phoenix?" She nods her head, a little surprised. Rylin is her first name, but she's gone by her middle name, Kira, since she was 10. "It's Kira, though."

He doesn't seem to care, approaching her and holding out a pair of handcuffs. "Put these on."

She almost rolls her eyes, but decides it might not be the best idea. Taking the restraints, she glances up at him. She could take him, no problem, but it would make it difficult to get out of there, and she'd still need time to find Kylo. With a sigh, she puts on the cuffs, and he narrows his eyes before tightening them. Then, he lifts up his gun and motions her forward, a hand resting on her shoulder. "Walk."

She starts walking, but when they reach the first turn, she stops. Everything is either white, grey, or extremely lightly colored, but she thinks she can remember her way around as long as they don't take too many turns.

"Care to let me know which way we're going, Mr. Charming?" She asks, and he pushes her to the left a little harder than necessary but doesn't say anything.

They walk like that for at least five minutes, taking more turns than she can count. They don't see a single person the whole way. She won't be able to remember her way anywhere, but it's not the end of the world. She'll figure something out.

Finally, his hand slides up to her shoulder and pulls her to a stop in front of a wooden door. "This one, then?"

He lets go momentarily and opens the door, before shoving her inside. She stumbles forward, then turns around to face him. It's an interrogation room. There's a table and two chairs, completely different from the interrogation equipment used by the First Order. The man backs away with his gun pointed at her, and closes the door in her face right as she gives him a small grin. The look of fear on his face at the last second is worth it.

She briefly wonders what happened to her to turn her into this person. She has no idea who she's supposed to be now. She's been stripped of her identity, and she's tired of living every day fighting just to survive. Returning to the First Order would mean pain and fear, and maybe, just maybe, staying with the Resistance would mean a chance to have a happier life finally. With Kylo. She wonders if Kylo's still Kylo, or if he's let the Light back into his soul. If he's thought about becoming Ben Solo once again, going back to being the son of Leia Organa. Part of her wants him to be Ben, but she's still the same person. There's not a name she can drop that will signify whether she's with the Dark or the Light.

The door opening stops her train of thought. She's still standing facing towards it, so when the person walks in, they nearly walk right into her. She leaps backwards, and looks back up, right into the eyes of Luke Skywalker.

" _You..._ " she stutters, but she's at a complete loss for words. If their goal was to shock her, they've won already. She steps backwards, but he takes a step forwards, one hand closing the door behind him.

"You found me," he says, and it feels like a punch to the stomach. She takes another step backwards, shaking her head absentmindedly.

"I- I... How did you get here?"

He walks past her and nonchalantly takes a seat, gazing up at her. His eyes are soft, and he's many years older than he was when she last saw him. He doesn't seem bitter or angry, but Kira knows that's the way of the Jedi. Even if he's the only one left.

"They completed the map," he responds. "Rey retrieved me. She's the one who escaped Ben. She's very talented, like you," he explains. She remembers Rey, of course. She's a little surprised that the girl survived throughout it all. It's impressive for someone without an ounce of formal training, but Kira knows the girl has the Force on her side.

"Where is he?"

Luke knows who she's talking about, of course, but he takes a moment to answer. When he does, it's not what she expected.

"He won't leave his father's bedside."

"Han?"

This time, Luke seems surprised. He allows it to show on his face. "Yes... We assumed that you knew what happened."

Kira doesn't understand what he's talking about. She faintly remembered hearing that Han's ship was approaching the Starkiller Base, and she was on it when it left, but that's all she knows. She has no idea what happened to him.

"No," she breathes, and decides to take a seat. Although the way she's forced to sit makes her side scream in pain, not eating anything is starting to get to her, and as she sits down, she sees black spots for a few seconds. They go away soon, so she forgets her concern. The pain lingers, though.

"Han confronted Ben... and Ben... impaled him with his lightsaber. He didn't cause any fatal wounds, though, and Han was brought back to the medical ward along with the two of you."

So that's who she'd seen when she'd been watching Kylo on her computer screen. She'd faintly recognized Chewbacca, Han's hairy sidekick, but at the time didn't know it was him.

Everything makes more sense now. She'd thought he was hiding something, just for a while before the attack. Snoke had probably commanded him to kill his own father. And he hadn't been able to do it. He'd denied his Supreme Leader. He still had the Light in him.

"I don't belong here," Kira blurts out, and she hunches over the table, seeing spots again. She's felt weak ever since she woke up, but she knows she'll only get weaker unless she eats.

"Not right now, you don't," he agrees, but then adds something. "But someday, you will, if it's what you wish for. Ben is feeling the same way you are right now. I won't go too far into what both of you have done, because you know already, but you should remember that change is possible."

She lets her eyes flutter shut, trying to come up with a way to tell Luke how she feels without making herself too vulnerable. But she's already spilled her heart out enough, so she thinks it can't hurt. "I don't even know who I am, though. Kylo can become Ben again; I will always be Kira. I'll always carry what I did with me, and I'll always have a piece of the Dark side in me even if I don't want to be that way."

The old Jedi gives her a smile. "Someday, people will hear the name Kira and think about the girl who lost herself then came home and found herself again, even after going through so much. They'll think about how she came home and made the choice to leave her old self behind and save the Resistance."

Her head falls into her hands, and she feels Luke's hand rest gently on her shoulder. "You're getting weak," he notices, and carefully tilts her head up so she can see him. "Come with me. You'll be safe." She believes him.

Kira allows Luke to walk over to her side of the table and lift her to her feet. She lets out a soft groan when the chair presses into her wound, and she hears him sigh. Then, he speaks, but not to her. "Rowan, I need your help."

A moment later, the door opens, and a young man around her age walks in. He has a gentle face, with brown eyes and soft brown hair, but he's smiling. "Yes, Master Skywalker?"

Luke motions towards Kira, who's trying to hide the fact that she's leaning heavily on her chair. "Would you mind carrying her? I'm afraid I'm not as able as I used to be."

Rowan nods, and in one graceful motion, reaches down and scoops her up like she weighs nothing. Luke gives him a small nod, then turns and walks out the door, Rowan quickly following him. "I should probably take her to the medical ward, but... I think I'll do the job myself."

Kira's a little relieved. She's not ready to be left alone surrounded by strangers, some of which could be the parents or children of people she's killed. Rowan holds her close, and she's reminded of Kylo. He was always gentle with her, even after a day of exploding planets and punishing people. He always let her see his better side.

They stop at a door that has a keypad, and Luke types a code in before opening it. It looks like it's a guest bedroom of some sort. Not lived in, but far from the room she woke up in. Rowan sets her down on the bed, then punches something into a control panel by the door. "A medical droid is on the way, Master Skywalker."

Luke nods. "Thank you, Rowan. Now if you wouldn't mind staying with Kira for a moment longer... I think I'm going to go find someone for her."

Kylo. She nods, and tries to get up, but Rowan holds an arm out, blocking her. She sits back down. "Luke, make sure he knows that... that it wasn't his fault, with Han," she says, and Luke gives her an understanding nod before leaving her alone with Rowan. He knows what the pull to the Dark side feels like.

The droid arrives immediately after Luke leaves, and Rowan skillfully grabs a few items from the tray it presents to him. It has a tray of food, also, and he takes it and sets it on the bed behind them. Then, the droid turns and moves to rest by the door, chirping as it goes. Rowan chuckles, and she stares at him. "You understand what it's saying?"

He nods. "I suppose I could change the settings to something we all could understand with a little tinkering, but it's more convenient being around droids that only you and a few others can understand for the most part. Everyone in the medical ward knows what the basic sounds and tones mean; it's easier to get general information from one beep than a whole sentence. Quicker. It's mainly expressing emotions, and sometimes reactions. For more specific things, a translator is used. Just now, that droid had a happy tone. You could tell, couldn't you? It's happy to help, or something like that."

Kira nods. She does actually understand now. Since the droid's chirps were higher in pitch, it's infered that the droid is satisfied. Rowan sits next to her on the bed and rips off a strip of the bandage. She pulls her shirt up just enough for him to access the injury, and he frowns when he sees the thin towel wrapped around her side. "Why did you use a towel?"

"I showered, and there weren't fresh bandages anywhere," she explains briefly. He nods then continues his work, setting the towel on the floor so he can rebandage her side. It's looking a little better, but it's not healed yet.

"Do you know how long I've been here?" The question pops up in her head suddenly. She could've been unconscious for any number of days.

"I believe it's been about... two days, now? You slept all day yesterday."

She's not surprised. She was exhausted from running for so long in the slow, all while losing blood. She needed the sleep to be strong enough to even wake up.

When he's finished, Rowan tugs her shirt down to cover her bare skin then reaches back to hand her the food. "Before you ask, no, it's not drugged. Luke told me you'd ask about that. He picked me to be the one to help out with you for as long as you need. He actually told me quite a bit."

Kira practically downs the soup, nearly identical in appearance to the soup she was offered earlier, while he talks. After he goes quiet, he reaches a hand out to grab her wrist. "If you eat too fast, you'll get sick."

She gently pulls out of his grip and grabs the apple. That, she can eat slowly.

"So, you know how horrible of a person I've been." It's not a question. She's sure everyone in the Resistance knows that murderer Kylo Ren and his previously unknown female friend, also a criminal, are back. There's no way anyone will ever be sent near her without being told who she is first.

"I do," Rowan admits, and she sees him gulp. "But I can tell you've changed, already."

There it is again, with the changing. It seems so many people are dead set on giving her a second chance even though Kira herself doesn't think she deserves it.

"I had to, I guess." She takes a few bites of her apple, hoping he doesn't continue talking about it. Even if she WAS the one to bring it up.

Rowan's a good person. He grants her wish. "You can take this room, if you like it. Each room is just slightly different, you know. Either different colors, layouts, sizes, so if you don't like this one there are others to choose from."

She's okay with this one. It's better than her room back on the Starkiller Base. A lot warmer, and definitely more comfortable. "This one is fine."

Rowan gives her a careful smile. "Okay. The code to the room is 3228, then. That's just so everyone has privacy. And I promise neither Master Skywalker nor I will come in here for any reason without your permission."

As he speaks, the door opens, and Luke walks in, his robes twirling around his feet. But Kira's focused on the man behind Luke. Kylo.

She leans forward and has just taken a step towards him when he strides towards her and picks her up. "I missed you."

She leans into him, smelling faint smoke. It's always been more of a harsh scent, but today, it smells like a comforting fireplace. Like home.

"I missed you, too," she smiles.

 

 

 

 

 

So... I hope you like Rowan, cause this isn't the last time you'll see him. 

 

 


	11. Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, and Kira Phoenix

~take my hand and give me a reason to start again~

 

 

Kira spends a few minutes simply standing in Kylo's arms, her eyes closed. She has no idea what's going to happen within the next few days, but she's grateful that he'll be by her side throughout it all. She'd be in pieces by now if she didn't have him to hold her together.

He dips his head down to kiss her forehead, then pulls her closer to him, his arms secure around her back. There's a faint smile on her pale lips. Eventually, he releases her and steps back. She's the first to speak. "We made it."

He gives her a nod. "We did. We're safe."

Kira knows they aren't actually safe. They never will be. It was dangerous working under Snoke with the First Order, and it'll be dangerous helping the Resistance. Still, she's never known what security feels like. What it feels like to wake up and not wonder if today's her last day. But that's not who she is, anyways. She'll never have a perfect life, but she's not sure if it even suits her. She'd probably get bored of it.

Rowan and Luke are chatting behind them quietly. Kylo finally notices Rowan and turns to her. "Who is he?"

Kira shrugs. "Luke asked him to... carry me here," she tells him reluctantly, and she sees the concern flash on his face.

"Did they hurt you?" She sees his fists clench at his sides, and he turns to look at Luke and Rowan for a second, anger threatening to end his composure. "Tell me they didn't hurt you."

Kira shakes her head. "I got hit by a stormtrooper while I was looking for you. I'm fine."

He relaxes, and leads her to sit again on the edge of the bed. He picks up the tray of food she started on and sets it on her lap. "Eat."

She rolls her eyes, but eventually complies. She  _is_  still hungry, and it's nice to know that Kylo's worried about her. He's actually more fragile than he seems, although she's the only one who's allowed to see that. 

"Kira, Ben," Luke speaks up, him and Rowan approaching the couple. "Rowan and I must return to Leia now. You're free to wander the base, but if you'd like to find Leia, she's normally in the main control room. I know you'll be able to find it quite easily."

Kira nods, and gives Luke and Rowan a grateful smile. "Thank you," she tells them, and they both nod before exiting the room. Her and Kylo are finally alone.

"When I woke up this morning... Well, some girl brought me food, checked my bandage, then left. Then... Then my mother came to talk to me."

Kira stops eating. She's not surprised Leia would drop everything the second her son's awake to go see him. "What did she say?"

"She wants her son back."

Leia knows what Kylo did. She's probably been personally affected by his actions. Yet here she is, because at the end of the day, he's still her son, and she still loves him.

"I also talked to Luke. He told me that..." Kylo takes a deep breath before continuing. "He told me that... your father had been sick. He died a year after we left. And, um, your mother, her plane crashed, something went wrong, a few years ago, and she... she didn't make it."

Kira pales, and he reaches over to hold her. "I'm so sorry, Kira," he whispers as she starts to cry. She hates showing emotions like this, but she's not as in control as much as she usually is. She doesn't know how to hold back the tears, so she just leans into Kylo, letting his presence calm her.

"I should have been there for them," she admits to Kylo. "I shouldn't have left them."

"No. It was my fault. I convinced you to come with you... I thought we'd be happier on the other side of the fight."

Happiness. Kira hasn't felt true happiness for a long time. The closest she's come to it has been occasional quiet moments with Kylo. They were so wrong, back then. They had no idea what they were getting into.

"I guess it just never worked out," she sighs, and the tears slowly stop as she relaxes. Kylo has always had that effect on her. Although he can be so emotional and reckless, he always helps her mind stay clear.

"Maybe we'll have better luck from now on," Kylo offers, and she nods.

"Maybe we will."

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Snoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is really short, I know. I just couldn't add it onto the previous chapter and it won't fit with the next one, in my mind. hope you enjoy :)

~Come away, little light, come away to the darkness~

 

 

She has a nightmare that night. It's dark, and she's trapped in some sort of room. Snoke is there.

His voice whispers to her, curls around her like smoke. "Come back, little Phoenix." She can't see anything, stumbling around with her hands in front of her, searching for something to hang on to. She trips on something and looks down to see a skull. It's old, but she knows who it used to be. She can feel it, deep down, that it's Kylo. Ben. He's dead.

She screams, stumbling backwards until she can't see it anymore, and then she hears him again.

"You have no place in the Resistance," he snarls. A cold wind brushes by her, sending a chill up her side. She feels sick.

"Leave me alone," she gasps, her eyes wide as she looks around frantically. It's black all around her, but she knows Snoke must be there somewhere. She can't see him but she refuses to let her guard down.

"You can feel the darkness in your blood, can't you?" she hears from behind her, and she scrambles forward trying to stay as far away from Snoke as possible. "Your grandfather was a Captain in the Order. A rather good one, in fact."

Kira stops moving and turns towards his voice. He's lying. Surely. He has to be. She's the first to go to the Dark Side in her family. She didn't know her grandfather; she'd never met him. All of her grandparents had died before she was born. Her mother's parents had just been farmers, simple people who'd lived simple lives. Her father's father had been a mechanic, and his wife had been a medic. Her parents wouldn't have lied to her.

Right?

She crumbles, falling to the floor, and she sees a figure, Snoke, approach her through the foggy darkness. His feet stop at her head, and he grins down at her. Then, he reaches out, and she feels the ghostly pressure of the Force suddenly press into her throat. She chokes out a cry, but Kylo isn't there to save her. She's left to her own thoughts as the world fades to black and the air leaves her lungs with a painful huff.

 

Kira wakes up suddenly, and as she catches her breath she feels arms wrap around her tightly. Kylo. He's okay.

"Kira," she hears, and she turns to see him sitting up, the tiredness already gone from his eyes. His hands find their ways to her hips, and she feels his fingers through the fabric of her pants as he effortlessly tugs her closer to him. She practically melts in his arms, and feels a few tears slip out.

"I dreamed that you died, and Snoke came to kill me," she sniffles, and he lets her bury her face in his chest, stroking her hair.

"Shhhh," he tells her, his voice soft and concerned. "You're safe."

She hears the truth in his voice. "I know... It's just, he said something to me," she explains. "I can't stop thinking about it. He told me that... That my grandfather was an important member of the First Order."

Kylo tilts his head, and she can almost see the gears whirring in his head as he thinks. "Wasn't he just a mechanic?"

Kira bites her lip before nodding. "That's what my father told me. But..."

Kylo looks at her. "What?"

She rakes a hand through her hair, brushing it out of her face. She's confused, not sure what to believe.

"That's exactly it. That's all he's ever told me. Every time I asked..." Her thoughts are racing now. She thinks back to every time she's ever asked about her grandparents. Her grandfather on her father's side had died when her father was a young boy, but she knew his wife had lived until Kira's father was 30. She's been a medic. Kira had grown up hearing long stories about the woman and her adventures traveling to heal special cases. It would have been impossible to make up that amount of detail. And her mothers parents had been farmers. Her mother had told her tales of growing up on the farm, sneaking out to meet boys in the fields, and eventually, leaving the farm to go to school to become a medic. She knew that was true.

"That's all I know about him. I-I don't even know his name. What if... what if Snoke _wasn't_  lying? What if I really _am_ descended from someone who was on the Dark Side?"

Kylo sighs and leans back into his pillow, forcing her to lie back down as well. "Maybe we can talk to my mother, or Luke," he suggests, and Kira nods.

"Tomorrow morning I'll go around 8, I guess."

He kisses her cheek. "Until then, you should try to get some more rest. I'll be right here holding you the whole time. I'll keep him out of your head."

Kira shakes her head, not liking his idea. She trusts him being in her head, but she doesn't want him to be exhausted tomorrow. " _You_ should sleep, too."

He gives her a small smile, his eyes gazing down at her face. "I'll stay awake forever if that's what it takes to keep you safe." He kisses her, his lips soft and inviting. She moves her hand to rest on the side of his face.

"I don't doubt it," she grins. "Just make sure you get some sleep eventually, okay?"

Kylo nods. "I will. Goodnight, gorgeous."

Kira gives him one more kiss before responding, "goodnight, pretty boy." His laughter is her lullaby, and she's back asleep before it's quiet again.


	13. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it sucks, I know. anyways, hope y'all had a nice weekend

~ and the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up. It comes in waves, I close my eyes. Hold my breath and let it bury me.~

 

 

 

When Kira wakes up, she's curled up in his arms, his chest pressed comfortably to her back. "Kylo?"

His arm slides over her side and finds its way to where her hands are twisted together in front of her. "How are you feeling?"

"I should go talk to Leia," Kira says, and she hears him sigh.

"Okay. Just... Be careful."

She nods. "I know."

Kira slides out of bed and walks into the bathroom. It's small and has small touches of color; a powder blue towel, a light green shower curtain, and blue shutters on the small window in front of her. She takes a moment to get ready, splashes her face with water, then leaves the bathroom to find something to wear. She finds a drawer that has more clothes in it, most of them similar to the ones she's currently wearing. She takes out a light grey cotton shirt and skinny black pants, but there aren't underclothes anywhere. She'll have to find somewhere where she can buy her own clothing.

Kira slips out of her clothes, and she hears Kylo sit up to look at her. She laughs. "Enjoying the show?"

"I am," she hears as she dresses in the pants and shirt, then combs her hands through her messy copper hair before loosely braiding it, then puts a pair of fitted black boots on. They're almost identical to the ones she liked to wear while training, only softer. Kylo notices them, giving her a look.

"You look ready to beat the crap out of someone," he smirks, and she shakes her head.

"Hope I don't have to."

She heads to the door but turns just before opening it. "You be careful yourself," she says on a whim, then slips out the door before he can respond. She knows he won't be able to lie around for much longer. He'll probably end up going out and wandering around the base until he finds something worth his attention.

She walks for a few minutes until she finds someone, and she steps in front of them. "Do you know where I can find Leia?"

The woman nods, her hands fidgeting in front of her. " _General_ Leia should be in the main meeting room. It's down the hall, turn right at the corner with the potted plant, then left at the black door, then it's the next black door you see. Black doors are the meeting rooms, by the way."

Kira raises an eyebrow but controls herself from giving the lady any smart remarks. "Thanks," she says curtly, then starts walking again. As she gets closer and closer, she starts seeing more people everywhere. She passes a few large windows and looks outside to see courtyards, some full of people. When she sees a small wooden shelf with a leafy plant on the top of it, she turns down another hallway. After two minutes of walking, she turns at the black door the lady mentioned, then sees the door to what must be the main meeting room. She takes a deep breath, breathes out, then turns the knob, walking into the room. There's an oval-shaped table in the center of the room with at least twenty chairs around it, and most of the chairs are filled. Leia is sitting at the head of the table, and she stops talking when the door opens, spotting Kira immediately. If it was anyone else, they'd probably back out of the room, but Kira stands her ground, staring at Leia. Luke's sitting in the chair next to her, and he gives Kira what she thinks is a disapproving look.

"Kira?" Leia says, and Kira steps forward. "We need to talk."

She nods, and says a few words to Luke before standing up and walking over to Kira. "Let's walk," she suggests, and Kira nods. They exit the room and Kira starts talking.

"I was wondering when you'd come find me," she smiles.

"Snoke still has a hold over me," Kira says, and Leia's smile disappears.

"What?"

"He told me that my grandfather was a captain for the Empire," she says, and as the words come out of her mouth, they seem true. Leia stops and looks at her.

"Kira," Leia sighs, and the older woman's eyes drop down to the floor.

"It's true."

Kira's heart drops. She never would have expected her parents, much less Leia, to lie to her. "Why am I just now learning this?" She feels anger flare up but holds it back for now. She's not that person anymore. "Why didn't anyone tell me? This- He did this to us! Snoke knew we had the Dark side in us! He's been in our minds since we were kids and we never even knew why-"

"Kira." Leia cuts her off. "I'm sorry," she starts. "You can't forget this happened to my only son, too. Snoke took advantage of you both. I know it wasn't your fault. We should have told you."

Kira's nails dig into her palms. "Maybe- maybe we would've known why he picked us, maybe we would've been able to force him out of our heads, maybe none of this would've happened-"

Leia stops her again. "There's no way you can no for sure," she says, but Kira's tired of being cut off.

"Leia, it's in my _blood_! Snoke's in my head and there's _nothing_ you could ever do about it! This is what I am! It's always been inside me! _You let him do this to me!_ "

Luke suddenly appears next to his sister, meaning Leia called for him through the Force. Leia sees Kira as a threat, now. He steps in front of his sister and puts his hands on Kira's shoulders, holding her where she is. She knows she's losing control but she's hurt and she can't stop herself. She should've known about her grandfather, they shouldn't have kept it from her. That was the reason Snoke picked her. It wasn't her destiny; it was who she was related to. Her hands start to shake. We

" _Don't you dare, Skywalker_ ," Kira snaps, but he shakes his head.

"Kira," he commands, "calm down."

She slowly relaxes against her will, knowing Luke's using the Force on her. She tries to fight it, but she can't push him out of her head. He's too strong. She gives in. 

He waits a few seconds then lets his hands drop to his sides. "I'm sorry."

His hold on her slowly dissipates, and when he's completely left her mind, she stays calm, waves of guilt washing over her. 

"I'm sorry, too," he tells her. 

Leia pulls Kira into a hug. "We'll figure this out," she promises. "One step at a time. We'll help you both."

"Leia..." Kira starts to feel guilt creeping back inside her head. "We don't deserve this."

Leia's expression turns to confused as she processes Kira's words. Her eyes soften. "Listen to me, child," she says. "You've done some bad things, and there's no going back. All you can do now is move forwards, try to be the best person you can be. It's not going to be easy, and it'll take time, but you can do it."

Kira shakes her head. "I've killed the mothers, fathers, lovers, children, best friends of the people living and working here. I've ruined their lives, all because I was trying to protect myself. Even if I change who I am, even if I give you guys every code I know and help save lives, it won't erase what I've done."

Luke puts an arm back on her shoulder and shakes her gently. "We know what you've done. It doesn't mean you can start to help people to the best of your ability and make a difference."

She sees the logic in what Luke is telling her. She knows she can do a lot to help them with all of the information she knows about the First Order. She has to. It's the only thing she's good for now.

"I guess. Tell me, though. If it'd been two strangers instead of me and your son... would you have executed them for their crimes?"

Leia sighs. "It depends. If they still had light in them... they'd be given a chance."

It makes sense. Kira knows Leia's a smart leader; efficient. She would never waste an opportunity to help the Resistance in any way. That's how she earned the position of General, and an unofficial leader of the Resistance. She knows what she's doing, which is good, since pretty much everyone else is clueless.

"I'll do my best," Kira tells the siblings, and she realizes they've both seen so much, so much Dark and so much Light, and they can see right through her. Luke has seen so much worse than Kira could ever do. He found out that Darth Vader was once his own father, Anikin Skywalker, and he brought the man who'd always been the face of the Dark Side and brought him back to the Light. He saw light in his father when no one else could. He has a talent for seeing the best, and probably worst, in everyone.

"I know you will," Luke responds. "Leia, you should probably get back to the meeting. They were ready to make a decision when I left."

Leia gives her brother a nod. "I will. You take care of yourself, Kira, okay?"

Kira smiles. "Thank you, Leia."

Leia pulls her in for a quick hug then leaves her and Luke. Luke starts walking in the opposite direction suddenly, and Kira leaps to catch up to him.

"That was quite a dramatic entrance back there," he chuckles, trying to desperately change the conversation and forget what just happened, and a grin slips onto her face after a few seconds.

"If I'm not confident, people judge me by my size, because I look small and fragile, rather than my abilities. I have to be bold."

Luke smiles. "Well, you just made an interesting impression on the people at the top of the Resistance."

Kira scoffs. "You're not serious, are you?" Luke gives her a sober nod.

"I am. You're not in trouble, though, if that's what you're worried about... Anyways, is Ben awake?"

Kira probably could have been more careful, but what's done is done. They already know she's a horrible person; she can't really make it much worse.

"I woke him up around 3, and he refused to go back to sleep after what happened... I had a dream, and Snoke was there. He told me... well, he said that my grandfather was on the Dark Side. That's why I sort of lost it back there. I wish I'd been told about that earlier. I was thinking, maybe it would have changed something... I don't really know. So I'm hoping he's gotten a little bit of sleep since then."

She makes it clear that she doesn't want to talk about her past anymore, and Luke knows. He always knows.

"I'll give you a tour, so you two can find your way around easily enough, then. And you'll get some money to buy anything you need."

Luke suddenly makes a sharp turn and pushes open a door that leads outside, and Kira follows him into a beautiful courtyard. People are sitting at a table outside eating and laughing together. People dressed in pilot uniforms, formal suits, and casual clothing, so she knows it's not a strictly military area or anything like that. Luke leads her to what appears to be a small store, and walks in with her. Then, he stops and pulls out a card.

"Buy whatever you need, I'll find Ben and then we'll spend an hour or two walking around. Do not leave this shop," Luke tells her, and she nods.

"Okay."

He places the money card in her hand then walks out, heading in the direction they came from. Kira sighs, turning in a circle as she takes in all of the things the store sells. She sees a small clothing section in the back, food in the front, and basic household items on the right side.

She heads towards the clothing section, and quickly picks out a few things from each category of clothing. She unconsciously picks out darker colors, but once she realizes that, she adds a few lighter colored items to her bag. She's clueless when it comes to food; she rarely cooked back on the Base. They usually ate in the food court, only cooking when it was too late to go back out for a meal.

She goes up to the counter when she's finished with everything and pays for the clothing. Then, even though Luke told her not to leave the building, she makes her way outside and walks across the courtyard where there's a small restaurant. She walks inside and notices how crowded it is, but she meanders up towards the counter, and stares at the menu on the wooden wall behind the counter. She sees so many different items, when it's her turn to order, she's not ready. There are some unfamiliar meats, vegetables, breads, desserts, beverages, but she decides to order a fruit pastry and a tea she remembers drinking often as a child.

She pays with Luke's card, and when her order is ready, she takes a seat outside at an empty table just as Luke marches out of the store she started in, with a tired-looking Kylo trailing behind him. He spots her immediately, and gives her a disappointed look. "I told you not to leave that store," he says, and she shrugs.

"I was hungry."

He sighs and sits down, and Kylo tentatively sits down next to her. He's dressed sloppily, and he looks completely different dressed in simple clothing. He looks nothing like Kylo Ren.

"You're planning on sharing, aren't you?"

Kira smiles, but gives him half of her pastry. It's sweet, and perfect for breakfast. She sips on the tea as Luke tells them about the area.

They spend most of the day wandering around. Luke shows them where to get food, where to buy anything they'll ever need, where to exercise/train, where to go if they want to walk around in the forest... When they were in the First Order, Kira hadn't really been allowed to explore the planet their Base was on except for special training circumstances she taught.

Finally, Luke tells them that the tour is over, just after noon. "I should get back. This is the most free time I've had since I came back," he says, and Kira knows it's her fault that he's had to be alone by himself for so long.

"Your room code should work for most doors here... let me or Leia know if it doesn't work for any reason and we'll figure it out. Don't get into any trouble," he tells them, then walks back towards the meeting room.

"I have no idea where to go," Kira tells Kylo, and he raises her eyebrows at her.

"Well, we're free now, aren't we?"

"I guess we are."


	14. Ghost

~Sometimes they say it's the faith that saves us all  
Sometimes they say it's the day that changes us  
Sometimes they... they never really say

Hang me down  
By the river bed  
With the other dead  
I will die without a sound~

 

 

 

That night, she can't sleep, although Kylo's having more luck, softly snoring next to her. There's a dull pain in her head, and she knows if she goes to sleep, Snoke will find her. She can't stop thinking about her grandfather. The one that fell, just like her, to the darkness. She wonders how he was lured to the Dark Side. How he became a captain in the Empire. She wonders if he enjoyed seeing people die.

She slides out of bed as smoothly and quietly as she can and goes into the bathroom to put on grey sweatpants and a darker grey sweatshirt. There's no way she can sleep. Not tonight. She stays barefoot, then leaves the room with one last glance at Kylo. He looks peaceful, probably the calmest he's been in years. She's happy for him, even if she doesn't share the same fate.

She doesn't know where to go right away. Kira steps in a random direction and starts walking down the dim white hallway. Every turn she makes is unpredictable until suddenly she sees a plaque above the door in front of her that reads 'Training Room.' Working out has always helped her relax, ironic as it is.

She types in the code she's memorized, 3228, and the door slides open with a metallic hiss. The first time she saw the room, with Kylo and Luke, it was relatively full. This time, it's completely empty. Luke didn't actually take them inside earlier, so she takes a few minutes to survey the area. Weights are in the back left corner, exercise machines in the front right, a wall of weapons all along the left side of the room, multiple separated sections for sparring, an area of worn-down punching bags, what appears to be a simulated practice room, and an exit leading to showers. She goes to the weapons first. They're all locked behind a cage, and she tries entering her code into the lock, but it flashes red. Denied. She sighs. The Resistance probably doesn't trust her enough to give her access to the weapons yet. She doesn't take it personal.

Kira turns around and goes over to the punching bag. It's not what she's used to. Most of the bags are so close together there's no way they're meant to be for individual use. It's a course. She grabs a pair of gloves from the many filling a shelf against the wall, then gives it a try. Boxing isn't her favorite activity, but she'll make do.

She throws a punch at the bag she's facing with a huff, then turns and swings at the bag behind her, her bare feet twirling on the mat. As her fist slams into it, she discovers that it's a different kind of bag; heavier. She decides that she likes this area. It's efficient.

She alternates between bags for at least half an hour, until blood is stained into the lining of the gloves and her knuckles are split open. She could take more safety precautions, but she's homesick, in a way. She can't live without the pain, without the recklessness. She's covered in sweat and panting, out of breath from endless movement, when suddenly, she senses another presence in the room. Kira turns around, her firsts automatically going up as a defense. When she sees who's in front of her, she keeps them up for a moment longer. Rey stands there, dressed in the same simple clothing of the Resistance, staring at her. She looks just as tired as everyone else.

"What are you doing here?"

Rey walks towards her, her eyes daring Kira to make a move. She's not looking for a fight, though. "I wasn't aware this room belonged to you."

Kira sizes her up for a moment. Rey's a few inches taller than her easily, but Kira has more power. Rey might have beaten Kylo, but Kira has more self-control, and easily as much strength. She could probably take her. She won't, though. She's not at the top of the food chain anymore, and there are rules she has to follow.

"You should leave," Kira breathes, just loud enough for the other girl to hear her, and tugs the gloves off of her hand. Underneath, her hands are bruised, with spots of blood. She throws the gloves to the floor, keeping eye contact with Rey the entire time.

"You're on our side now, aren't you?" Rey's not afraid of her. She wasn't afraid of Kylo, either. She's just testing Kira. Rey is smart.

Kira shrugs. "I guess," she says, earning a glare from Rey.

"Leia seems to trust you, although I don't understand why. You're not a stormtrooper, and you went after Ren, so... You must have been a person of power in the First Order."

So no one's told Rey anything about her yet. She wonders how many people know about her. Who she was, and who she used to be. Rey seems like she's become more important in the last few days than she's ever been. Unless she's always had this much confidence when facing the enemy.

Kira thinks about all the things she'd like to say, the words she'd use to defend herself, to fight back, but all she can bring herself to say is "I was a General."

Rey blinks, taking a step back. "Then you shouldn't be allowed to live."

Kira sighs, nodding. She can't exactly argue with that. "I shouldn't. Leia's kindness is the only reason I'm not dead or in chains right now... She watched me grow up, you know."

Rey's jaw drops. "Don't tell me you're related," she nearly snarls, and Kira chokes out a laugh. Rey will probably begin some sort of training with the Resistance soon, but until then, she's just as uncontrolled as Kira. She's an untamed lioness, and she's waiting for the right time to go for Kira's throat.

"We're not. Although she's the mother of the man I love, if that means anything to you."

This time, Rey shakes her head. "So you followed him to the First Order because you loved him. Romantic."

Kira nods. "I did. At the time, I believed it was the right decision."

Rey looks at the ground for a moment, and Kira notices she's not wearing shoes, either. She wonders why Rey is there. Maybe she's having the same problem with sleeping. "I guess you're lucky that Leia knows you then."

Suddenly, the door slides open again and a man walks in, looking down. "Rey, you should-" He stops as soon as he looks up, seeing Kira. Confusion shows itself in his eyes.

"Rey," he starts, walking to stand next to the girl. He stands just in front of Rey, like he's ready to protect her if necessary. "Who is that?" He whispers the last part, but Kira still hears. He must be able to tell somehow that Kira's one of them.

"I'm Kira. I used to be a General in the First Order," she tells the man bluntly, a smile threatening to show on her face. He has tousled black hair and a gentle smile directed at Rey when he joins her, but carries himself the same way as someone who's not afraid to do what's necessary. His head tilts in surprise when she speaks. His smile is long gone.

"And now you're here, yet free? I don't understand."

She grins. Ill timed humor is one of the things about her Kylo loves. "I suppose I'm lucky. I fell in love with Leia's son."

"She's joking, right?" The man turns to Rey. "She's not actually a General, or anything?"

"She's telling the truth," Rey responds with a straight face, and he frowns at Kira.

"I don't want to be the enemy anymore," she tells him truthfully. "I made a mistake. I'm planning on doing my best to fix it."

"You can't just... fix all this," he shakes his head, glancing up at her with a solemn expression. He steps away from Rey. He's quick to drop his guard. "You've made a pretty big mess, Kira."

"I know," she acknowledges him. She can no longer count on her hands the number of times that day she's been told that, or she's thought it herself. "That doesn't mean I can't try, though."

He nods. "I guess you deserve a chance, then. My name's Poe. Poe Dameron."

"Kira Phoenix."

His brown eyes widen. "Phoenix... Any relation to Blake Phoenix?"

Kira nods. Blake Phoenix, a skilled pilot, was once her father. Before he grew sick and died. That's still a fresh wound, although she's been ignoring it ever since she found out for the most part. "Yes, actually... He was my father."

Poe nods again. "My mother and father knew him. My mother was a pilot for the Resistance also. I chose to follow in her footsteps."

Dameron. Now that she thinks about it, the name is familiar. She remembers hearing something about a Kes Dameron once. His wife was a pilot who went on a few missions with Han. She can trust Poe.

It's quiet for a few seconds before Rey speaks up. "So... why are you here?"

"Snoke can reach me when I'm asleep," she says. "If I fall asleep, he's in control. He could probably do anything he wants to me, whenever he wants, but for some reason he's reaching out in my dreams. So I decided to come here."

Poe gives her a sympathetic look. "Yeah, I'm surprised it's so empty in here at night. I doubt many people here actually get enough sleep."

"Well, I'm pretty sure the Resistance will be safe for at least a month, if that helps," Kira tells him. It will take at least a month for the First Order to find somewhere new to settle, rebuild their base, and figure out how to fight again. She doesn't mention the fact that the Resistance will be much safer because her and Kylo aren't with the First Order anymore. She knows Poe and Rey are already aware of that.

"I hope so." Poe stretches his arms. "Well, I'm going to go for a run, if you two want to join me. Technically, we're not supposed to go out there at night but there's nothing to worry about..."

Rey shakes her head, finally turning her back on Kira. "I think I'm going back to bed. Be careful, Poe," she says, then leaves, just as silently as she came. Poe turns towards Kira, one eyebrow raised.

"I'll go," she tells him, and he smiles.

"Okay. Follow me."

He leads her out of the training room then outside. They keep walking through courtyards until they come to a gate on the left. He opens it and walks through, and she follows. They walk into the forest, illuminated by the full moon, and Poe shows her to the trail. Then, he starts out at a steady jog, and she stays right next to him.

"I think I saw you when the First Order captured me," he tells her. "The stormtroopers that got me were talking about how one of their friends made a mistake once, and you were supposed to punish him for it but didn't. They said that they'd seen you leave a room looking beaten up and awful. They were talking about how you ended up being the punished one. You walked by while they were talking about you, and they had to stop talking so you didn't hear. You looked terrible."

When that had happened, Kira hadn't realized that anyone had noticed her condition. It's strange knowing that the man jogging happily next to her was a prisoner on her base a few days ago. She briefly wonders how he escaped. How he's here right now, unscathed. "I've never actually been as qualified as Snoke thinks I am. I can teach people how to fight, I can draw enemy flight patterns, create battle plans, but I'm not the best leader, especially for the Dark Side. Kylo's not either, but Snoke picked us because we're strong. Because we showed potential. Not... because we had a lot of darkness in us."

Poe nods. "I... I'm not Force-sensitive at all. You can probably tell," he says, with a careful chuckle. They dodge a rock in the middle of the path, and he doesn't seem to notice the fact that he holds his hand out for a second, ready to catch her if she falls. She's light on her feet, though, and steps over it just fine. "But my mother told me something once. She told me that people always have both dark and light in them. Everyone. Even, say, General Organa, has some dark in her. And, it's definitely hard to believe, but somewhere deep down, Snoke has just a little bit of light in him. We can never be perfectly dark or light, but we're not supposed to be."

Kira underestimated Poe. She really did. She's so taken back by what he said, she nearly stops. Poe doesn't look back, though, so she's forced to keep moving.

She's never really thought that way, and she knows not many other people have either.

"I don't know if I can agree with the part about Snoke. But I've always felt the light in me. I just thought it was pulling me down. I didn't realize it was actually more like an anchor," she explains, and Poe looks back at her before facing forwards to avoid a tree.

"I think that's the way the General thinks. She sees the good in everyone, although she's not afraid to dish out punishment if it's necessary."

Poe slows to a stop, and she understands why when she reaches a clearing. It has a soft glow from the moonlight, and it's just enough to see the beautiful lush greenery surrounding a grassy meadow. "Damn," she whispers, and Poe chuckles.

"I'm not trying to hit on you, by the way. I just think this place is really cool."

Kira laughs. "I know. You're a handsome man, but I've already got a handsome man of my own."

He smiles, his eyes wrinkling in the corners, then without warning, flops on the ground in front of her, in the middle of the small meadow.

She slowly makes her way over to where he is, then sits down with her legs crossed. "So, how'd you escape?"

He grins. "A defective stormtrooper." His grin morphs into something sadder. "His name is Finn, now. He asked me if I could fly a plane, and that's basically it. He found Rey, and, you know, did some stuff to help the Resistance. He fought on our side, but he got a blaster wound right in the chest. He's in the medical ward now, in a coma, so I'm hoping he wakes up okay soon."

Even though he's just told her that he's only known this stormtrooper for a few weeks at the most, there's true loyalty and concern in Poe's words. Her whole life has been full of people just the opposite of the man next to her. The only loyal person, the only constant in her life since she left her family behind at a young, foolish age, is Kylo. Ben. Whatever his name is, he's always been there for her. She can't imagine having this kind of... dare she say, love... for someone she's known for so little time. That's just the kind of human Poe is. She can tell so much about him, even though they've known each other for less than an hour.

"I'm sorry," Kira grimaces, her thumbs twiddling idly in her lap. "I don't know why I followed him to the First Order. Well, I'd follow him anywhere, and it was a mutual decision at the time, but the idea came from his head. It was Snoke's idea. He played us like puppets, using our fears against us. I saw what the Dark Side was doing to the people around me, and I was so afraid to see it happen to my family, to Ben, and Snoke told us we'd be safe forever, we'd be successful and secure, if we joined him."

Poe sits up and stares at her, and she has a feeling he can see right through her, past all her facades and walls. "That's just who he is. It's what he does. You were just a kid, weren't you? You didn't know any better."

She doesn't deserve his kind words. "I was. But... I shouldn't have given in." She doesn't want to talk about this anymore. It's all she's thought about, all day, and it's drowning her. She doesn't deserve kindness; she's done so much to these people. She squeezes her eyes shut.

"I'm sorry," Poe says. "I'm probably the hundredth person to talk to you about this stuff today."

Kira opens her eyes, squinting up at the stars. Snoke is out there somewhere, and eventually, she'll have to confront him. Eventually, this peace will end, for her at least. But for now, she can be happy, if she figures out how.

"Thanks," she simply tells him. "I haven't had much time to relax like this since... forever."

"I can tell."

They sit in silence for a couple minutes. Kira's looking forward to bringing Kylo here. He'd appreciate the openness out here. All that time spent pent up makes the fresh air feel amazing in her lungs.

Suddenly, a twig snaps from somewhere behind them. Kira's on her feet before she even realizes that Poe's asleep.

She's been alive for long enough to be able to pick out human and non-human sounds. This isn't an animal. She reaches out with the Force and immediately knows where the man is standing, behind a tree. "I know you're there," she retorts, and he steps in front of her. Kira lets out a gasp.

A youthful Jedi with long wavy brown hair and brown and white robes stands facing her. She's seen him before, somewhere. She just can't pinpoint where. She doesn't understand how any Jedi survived the massacre many years ago..."Who are you?"

"Does the name Anikin Skywalker mean anything to you?"

Kira's eyes widen, understanding who he is now. She can see the faded texture sort of like fog in front of him. Kylo's grandfather. Darth Vader is standing in front of her, but he's not... Darth Vader. She moves in front of Poe in an instant, standing between the sleeping Resistance pilot and the infamous Dark Side leader.

"How are you... here?" She doesn't really understand why a Sith Lord has a Force ghost. It's not... fair. Only the best, most skilled of the Jedi are able to become ghosts through the Force after they die. The man in front of her doesn't fall into that category.

Anikin casts his eyes downwards. His eyes flicker momentarily at Poe, but then he looks up to meet Kira's glare. Poe's safe, for now. "I found my way back to the Light side, and the Force gave me a chance, I suppose."

She tries to comprehend the fact that she's standing in front of perhaps the very face of evil. He looks so youthful, though. So innocent and friendly. So unlike the hooded, helmeted man in black he's known for being.

"Why? Why me?" She doesn't understand it at all, doesn't understand why he's here in front of her, instead of his grandson. Why he's never visited before. Kylo's prayed to his grandfather hundreds of times, not once receiving an answer.

"Kylo never would have understood. He wanted Darth Vader. Not me. You know it's true."

Kira's not anything special. She's never been. "Just because I'm more suited to handle whatever the hell you plan on telling me doesn't mean you can ignore your own grandson. How do you know he wouldn't have listened if you never even tried talking to him?"

Anikin raises his eyebrows, amused. "I'll admit, you're much more defensive than I thought you'd be. Nonetheless, I still think you should be the one I talk to. He needs more time."

She scoffs. "Just spit it out, then."

He nods. "You can end this war."

She shakes her head. Behind her back, her hands are shaking. It's no use hiding her fear.

"We can't. You're severely mistaken, Skywalker. There's no way we can end this war. The Resistance does not have the resources to do anything more than just stand their ground against the First Order. "

At his name, he gives her a hint of a smile. He seems confident in what he's saying.

Why her, though? Why not Rey, or Kylo, or Leia, or anyone else? What has she done to deserve this?

"I don't think I am," he answers.

"Then tell me how I'm supposed to make this happen, cause I'm lost."

Anikin sits, his legs crossed, on a giant tree root in front of her. "You and Ben must kill Snoke."

 _"What?"_ Kira barely keeps herself from shouting, although she can use the Force to keep Poe asleep if it's necessary. Her confusion grows as she tries to process what Anikin's saying. She can't kill Snoke. Ben can't kill Snoke. _No one_ can kill Snoke. It's impossible.

"Ah, but it's not impossible. You'll find that he's not as powerful as you assumed. Haven't you wondered why he hasn't killed you yet?"

"You're telling me that he can't kill me?"

He shakes his head. "As long as you're here, the only way he can reach you is in your dreams. But in order to end the war, you'll have to see him again. You don't have to do it alone, though. You and Ben must do this together. Together, you're more powerful than Snoke."

She brings her shaking hands in front of her, running a hand through her hair. "I guess we can try," she shrugs. She doesn't know how she'll end up doing it, but Kira trusts that Anikin knows what he's talking about.

"Good," he responds, then gives her a smile. He's handsome, just like Ben. Ben can have quite the charming smile, too, but only if you deserve to see it. "I have faith in you."

With his last words, the young man disappears, fading away in front of her. She sits down for a moment, her mind racing. She needs to tell Ben.

Kira gently shakes Poe, and he awakes with a soft gasp. "Sorry about that," he tells her, climbing to his feet. She stands, giving him a weak smile.

"It's fine. Are you ready to go back?"

Poe nods, and they take off, sprinting through the darkness. At every corner, Kira halfheartedly looks for Anikin, but that's the last she sees of him.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I went there. Hope you don't mind.


	15. Han

~you don't know what I've done; I'm wanted and on the run~

 

 

 

Poe walks her to her room, chatting quietly about his new friends Finn and Rey, and he tells her about the planes he flies, and the planets he's visited. She tells him she's only flown a few types of planes, and he offers to take her out flying someday in the future, once the mess clears. She likes Poe; he's honest but kind. She hasn't been around someone like that in many years.

After saying goodnight, he leaves her, throwing a gentle smile at her before he turns and makes his way down the hall. After he's gone, she stands in front of her door for a few minutes, contemplating whether or not she should go inside. If she should wake Ben. If she should attempt to sleep without interruption from Snoke. She's not ready to face Snoke yet, for sure, so she backs away from the door.

Kira sighs, then slides to the ground, her back against the wall across from her room. Anikin's words echo in her mind. She's not much, but when she's with Kylo, they balance each other out. She's starting to understand why he thinks her and Kylo stand a chance against Snoke. She knows she wants to help the Resistance. She was a fool for leaving her family behind just because she was scared. She should have realized as soon as she met Snoke that she'd made the wrong decision. She should have taken Kylo and left before Snoke's hold locked down on them. Before he snuck into their minds and built a wall to keep the light out. Before they'd gotten too far down that road to ever go back. Kira's pretty sure she lost a part of herself to the Dark Side that she's never getting back.

She sits there for a while, thinking about how she could get to Snoke and actually kill him. She wants to make him PAY for what he's done to her and Ben. She's never even wondered if it was possible.

Suddenly, her thoughts go to Han. Without Han Solo, she'd probably be recovering from Snoke's punishment currently. Kylo probably would, too. They'd be beaten and bruised, but would never even think about asking the Resistance to take them in. They'd live out the rest of their lives being forced to kill and torture and destroy, and when they were so worn out, so exhausted and broken, they'd forget to wake up one day, and the universe would gradually recover.

She stands up, walking in the direction she's pretty sure the medical ward is in before she even really realizes what she's doing. She's hoping she can even enter Han's room. After all, Kylo did just try to kill his father a few days ago. Even though they've both changed more than she ever could have predicted, it's still only been a short amount of time since they were on the Dark Side. She understands the mistrust.

She reaches the door labeled MEDICAL and tries her code. It flashes green, though, unlike with the weapons cage, and unlocks. Kira pushes open, like she's trying to get in before the Resistance changes its mind. There's a white hallway directly in front of her, and there are doors, some open and some closed, on both sides of the hallway. She walks forward, not sure how she's supposed to find Han.

Kira walks up to the first door on her right and notices that there's a black clipboard with a few papers on each door showing the patients' information. She walks down the hall, glancing at each door until suddenly she finds the one that says SOLO, HAN. CAUSE OF INJURY: LIGHTSABER.

She takes a deep breath, pushing her fears out of her head, and opens the door. Han is sleeping in the bed on the left side of the room, a desk with a computer on the other side. She shuts the door behind her as quietly as she can, keeping her eyes on him the entire time in case he wakes up. Then, she takes a seat in the wooden chair next to his bed. She can't help thinking about all the days she's spent with him; the memories they've made.

Before she knows it, she's crying. She can't help it. Han's always been like a father to her. She loves Leia, but she's always been closer to Han. As a kid, she spent so many days in the Falcon with him, watching him fix things so they could go for a short flight. He'd take her and Ben on adventures, places their mothers would never approve of.

She leans forwards, clutching one of his hands as she sobs. "Han," she chokes, her voice cracking like fragile glass. A shiver runs through her body, and her fingers feel cold. There's a tugging in her chest, a pain she hasn't ever felt before, and it all crashes down on her. Everything up to that point that she's done, every child she's killed, every interrogation, every regret crashes down on her, and she feels like she's drowning and Han's old, worn hands are her anchor. The pain takes over, bringing up memories of Snoke's excruciating punishments, and she can almost _feel_  the Force lightning that she's felt so many times.

She's underwater and she can't find the surface.

She can't stop the tears, shaking her body in harsh jerks as her emotions pour out after being suppressed for so many years. Her head falls into her hands, leaning against the bed, quickly staining the sheets with her tears. She doesn't have any control over herself; she's not used to being this weak.

Suddenly, Han's hand moves slightly, and her head moves up with a snap, her green eyes meeting his. His face is worn and wrinkled, small scars visible from so much adventure, but she can see the fire in his eyes. It'll always be there, knowing him. He'll never slow down.

"Kira?" he whispers, his voice quiet and scratchy, and she sniffs, nodding. She tries to hold her tears back, and his eyes give her a little strength. He sits up, studying her.

"We-" She's not sure what to say to him. She's terrified she'll say the wrong thing. She's already dug such a deep hole, and she doesn't want to make things any worse. "I couldn't stay there, I didn't know it was you until I was on the ship, but I couldn't leave him," she explains, and it's not enough, but it's all she has, and she prays that Han's not going to hate her. She wouldn't be able to live with that guilt.

"Shh," he murmurs, his hand reaching up to stroke the side of her face, and she warms up a little. "You're going to be okay," he promises, and she falls into his chest as his arms wrap around her securely. "You're safe here. They're not going to hurt you. Even if they try, I won't let them."

Han, Leia, Luke, and Ben are the only family she has left. Her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles... they're all dead, everyone except for her. She's the last of the Phoenixes, as far as she knows, so she clings to Han. He's the closest thing she'll ever have to a father again.

He holds her until her eyes flutter closed, and eventually, her breathing slows, and she falls asleep. She lasts the whole night safe from Snoke, and when she's woken up in the morning by the sunlight streaming in the window next to Han's bed, she's still in his arms, safe.


	16. Anakin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry

~No matter how many deaths that I die, I will never forget  
No matter how many lives that I live, I will never regret  
There is a fire inside of this heart  
and a riot about to explode into flames

Do you really want? 

Do you really want me? 

Do you really want me dead, or alive to torture for my sins?~  
  
  


 

 

 When Kira wakes up, sun shining in her face, Han is gone. She slowly raises her head, peering around through the strands of hair in her face. He's not just out of bed, but out of the room.

She leans back, into her chair, and lazily pulls herself to her feet so she can see out the window. She can tell by the sun's position that it's early in the morning, although there's only one man standing under the tree that's alone in the patch of grass in front of her. She briefly wonders where Han is. He must have tried his best not to wake her when he left.

Without warning, the door flies open, and a man rushes towards her. It's not Han. He's much bigger than her and she doesn't have anything to defend herself with except the Force so she lets him grab her, jerking her hands behind her back. There's shouting on the other side of the door, and she hears Rowan's voice speaking calmly but desperately to the people shouting. After a few seconds, his voice is drowned out by the crowd. "You're coming with me, traitor," the man holding her barks, then he drags her out of Han's room into the hallway, throwing her into the cluster of at least ten men waiting by the door for her. Her hands are both cuffed and tied, and a needle is stabbed into her neck, causing her to flinch. Some sort of drug, probably to keep her from fighting back too much. She knows it won't work as well as they think it will. She's trained with the First Order, under Snoke, giving her an advantage.

She meets Rowan's terrified eyes. He's being held back by one of the men, although he's squirming hopelessly, trying to wriggle out of the man's grasp. He's tall, but he's not a warrior, and he's not going to magically break away and become a fighter to save her. He doesn't know how. It's not his fault, though. He mouths the words I'M SORRY at her, and she gives him what she hopes is an encouraging nod, before they drag her away. She won't let him get involved. She has to be the only person hurt by this. She'll take them out as soon as they're away from the medical ward.

She knows what's happening to her. People who weren't okay with Leia's gracious pardon, weren't okay with looking past all the things she'd done, and now they're taking matters into their own hands. She doesn't want to fight back unless it's absolutely necessary. She's been beaten, tortured, many times, and she thinks she can handle whatever these men are planning on doing to her. This is what has always happened to traitors, and for once, she's the one on the receiving end. It's an unfamiliar feeling.

They take the back way through the base, which she didn't know about, and they don't see a single person until a man opens a door and lets them in what appears to be an interrogation room. It's empty except for a table and two chairs, and they push her into one of the chairs, swiftly using large strips of rope to tie her to the chair. When they're finished, one of them kneels in front of her. She stares up at him, but her vision is starting to blur. The drugs are getting to her. He swats at her and she can barely react in time to dodge his hand. His fingers brush past her cheek, and she starts to feel sick.

"So, the mighty General Phoenix... You're finally going to get what you deserve, you bitch," he growls at her, and she spits right in his face in response. He howls, and throws his fist at her chin with so much power, the impact sends her chair flying backwards onto the floor, sending waves of pain through her head. It explodes in her throat and on the underside of her throat like fire, and her eyes flicker closed momentarily due to the pain. Her chin starts to throb, but she knows it's not over. Not yet. She reaches out to Ben, calling for help.

When the man finishes wiping spit off his face, he peers down at her with beady black eyes. He'd make an excellent soldier for the First Order, she thinks. He's ruthless, and she knows she's done the same thing to traitors to the First Order before. He cries out as he kicks her right in the stomach, causing her to grunt in agony, then kicks again, and again, and again. She's starting to lose feeling in her legs, and she's not sure what's happening to her. She's been trained to withstand all kinds of sedatives, poisons, but nothing like this. After a while, his friends join in, like a pride of lions hovering over their wounded prey. She's a little taken back, surprised at their brute strength, but they've gotten their revenge. Now it's her turn. She snaps the ropes binding her without the men even noticing.

With blurry vision, Kira uses her legs to pull herself to her feet, and with a lurch, she stumbles forwards. She uses the force to slam the first few men into a wall, and they collapse. Next, she throws her hand out, swiping to the left. The remaining men fly across the room, crashing into a different wall, and she tests her legs, taking one shaky step at a time. Her leg suddenly gives out, though, and she falls to the floor, facing one of the unconscious men. She can't walk well enough to get anywhere, and her eyesight is still blurry. She's not going anywhere.

Kira stays calm, fighting off the panic that threatens to take over her mind, as she waits for Ben. She has faith that he'll come. He's always been the single constant in her life.

 

 

 

  
Ben wakes up gasping for air, tangled in his sheets. He sits up as he feels a sharp pain in his head. He's not injured himself. No; Ben is fine. It's Kira. He can feel her pain through their connection. Something's happened to her.

He wastes no time leaping out of bed and running to the door. He sees a faint image of what he thinks is the medical ward, and he knows Kira's trying to help him get to her. He doesn't know how to get to the medical ward, so he has to trust their connection completely. Ben sprints as fast as he can, his heart racing as he prays that he finds her in time. He thought the Resistance was going to give them a chance, thought they'd be safe, but he was wrong. He was lied to. He'll make them _pay_. They can hurt him all they want and still live, but touching Kira... He doesn't care what his mother and father think. He does care, actually. He loves them, and he can't bear to disappoint them any more than he already has. But that's not stopping him. Not this time. Not when it's Kira's life on the line.

When Ben feels her so strongly they can only be a few feet away, he comes to a door, and he flings it open with the Force before he can regret anything. He storms in, feeling as if his cloak is swirling around his feet and his helmet is secure over his head. At the moment, he's not Ben, the person he's been for the past few days. No. He's Kylo Ren, leader of the Knights of Ren, powerful Force user. Kira's on the floor in front of him, surrounded by downed men. He feels a hint of a smile knowing how easily she defended herself.

Her face looks pale, and he kneels in front of her. Her eyes flutter open, then close seconds later. It scares him when she doesn't respond to him at all. He scoops her up so she can fall into his arms, limp. He's never seen her this weak, and it lights a fire in his soul, making him want to get revenge even more, to make them pay until the floor is stained red. But then, he hears a soft groan from Kira, bringing him back. He holds her in his arms for a few silent moments before stalking out of the room.

He runs to their room in less than a minute, and punches in the code as quickly as he can, his adrenaline preventing him from standing still while he waits. When the light flashes green, he carries Kira inside, gently setting her on the bed. Then, he reaches out with his mind, finding his mother, and screams to her that he needs her, NOW. He tries to take a breath, to calm himself, but that doesn't work. He's angry, and scared, and worried, all at the same time.

He feels a light presence brush his mind, and he knows it's his mother's response. She's on her way. He sits down next to Kira after wetting a towel in the bathroom, then starts to lightly wipe the blood from her face. Before long, the rag is bloody, and Kira's face is clean, revealing the small cuts and yellow bruises. She's still a concerning pale, though. He hopes she wakes up soon, so he knows what injuries she has he can't see.

Finally, the door opens, and Leia walks into the room calmly, with Luke trailing a few feet after her. She gasps when she sees Kira, not wasting any time running to her side. "What happened?" She gasps, and Ben sighs. The man from a few days ago, Rowan, is there, too, and he quickly summons a medical droid. He looks guilty, but Ben brushes that information to the side for the moment. Luke speaks into a radio while he closes the door behind him. Ben hears a click, knowing it's secure.

"I found her surrounded; they had her tied to a chair... I don't know how they got her."

His mother's face is full of concern, and he knows for a fact that this wasn't the Resistance's doing. Luke stands tall to the side like he's guarding them, although they've locked the door. No one's getting in anytime soon. Rowan starts to work silently, cleaning her cuts and putting medicine on them. He's careful with her, which makes Ben relax just a little. Luke eventually kneels to help Rowan, unrolling bandages for him with his eyes nearly closed. Ben knows he's using the Force to heal her, but he still can't get her back to normal on his own.

Leia sits next to Ben, and he feels her wrap an arm around his shoulder. He leans into his mother, frowning. "I should've expected this to happen eventually."

Leia sighs, her whole body leaning into Ben. "I'm sorry, Ben," she whispers. "They'll be punished accordingly. She'll recover just fine."

Ben shakes his head. He can't deal with all this; can't keep pretending like nothing's wrong. Everything's wrong, and him and Kira seem to be the only ones concerned about that. "What about us?"

"I've talked to the council. We've made a decision. You'll be supervised, expected to help the Resistance... They're different; you know that. You'll be given a chance."

"I should be dead," he whispers hoarsely, knowing it's the truth. He knows that his words hurt her, but Leia has to understand. She brushes his hair back, her fingers combing through the mess. She does that for a moment, not speaking. Ben wishes he could be as powerful but controlled as Leia is. He's always longed for that control, even though Snoke always discouraged the Jedi way of thinking.

"Ben," Rowan says, and Ben looks down to see Kira's eyes flutter open.

"Ky," she whimpers, and he bends over to kiss her. His hand makes its way under her head, and his lips draw her upwards towards him into the kiss. She sits up, and when they move apart, she leans into him. "I... my eyesight is still too blurry," she whispers, shocking Ben. Kira has perfect eyesight.

"What did they do to her?" He turns to Rowan, and the younger man gulps. Rowan is tall, but scrawny, and he's not good at hiding his fear. Ben towers above him.

"They took her from Han's room, and they must have stolen some sort of drug, a sedative or something," he says, and Ben stands up, his fists clenched at his side. He barely registers his father's name, he's so on edge. Luke quickly moves to stand next to his nephew, and puts a hand on Ben's shoulder.

Luke's scolding them instantly. "Ben, she needs to rest," he reminds them, and Ben softly pushes Kira back down. He gives her a hint of a smile, and she knows it's a promise. Later. She closes her eyes.

"I'll be fine, Kylo," she whispers after a moment, finding his hand and squeezing it. "Don't worry about me."

He plants a kiss on her forehead, right above a freshly cleaned cut, then stands up. He can't stay there.

"Take me to the council," he tells his mother, turning towards where she sits. She doesn't understand his request, though. He sees the confused glance she gives to Luke.

"Ben..." His eyes dart up, meeting hers, and she stops talking.

"Let me help, mother," he pleads. "Please. It's all I can do."

Leia swallows, then gives him a nod. "Okay. Luke will stay with Kira." She stands up and waits for him before walking to the door. He follows his mother through the halls for a minute before he feels Kira slip into his mind.

 _There's something you need to know,_  she says, and he can hear guilt in her words. Dread pools in his stomach. Kira doesn't keep things from him. Ever.

 _I met your grandfather last night_ , he hears, and he stops in his tracks. His blood runs cold. Leia stops a few feet ahead of him, giving him a confused glance. Kira continues after a moment. _He told me... He said we need to kill Snoke._

His eyes widen. It's not what he expected to hear, at all. He feels the fire flare up inside of him. He's tried to contact Darth Vader so many times during his life and he's never once succeeded, and suddenly, his _idol_ is having conversations with Kira, not _him_. It isn't fair. Darth Vader never guided him to success, and Anakin Skywalker never stopped him, warning him that he was making the wrong choice. He's furious.

Kylo Ren emerges in that moment. "I have to go," he chokes out, turning away from his mother. She's confused, but stays quiet, giving him a concerned look. He doesn't know where to go, so he runs out the nearest door, leaving the building. He's outside, darting around people with desperation. None of them know they've just been within inches of Kylo Ren himself.

He runs until he's left the main area of the base. He reaches the treeline and bursts into the woods, nearly stumbling over a tree root snaking over the path he's found.

He doesn't stop when the trail ends. He keeps moving, racing under trees. Branches snap against his face. He runs until he can't anymore, so out of breath he has to stop and lean against a tree. He lets out a sob, his body heaving against the tree painfully. He lets the tears run, and his fist slams against a tree next to him, the bark crumbling underneath his hand. He punches it again and again, until his hand is spotted with cuts and his fingers are numb. He doesn't understand. Why wasn't he ever good enough? He was a lousy General, and he'll be a lousy... whatever... he ends up becoming here with the Resistance.

His hand swipes across the space in front of him, and a ripple overturns the trees in front of him, roots and all. Branches crack and birds scatter, chirping out warnings to each other as their homes crumble beneath them.

He will _always_  be dark. He can't just kill Kylo Ren and go back to being Ben Solo. He's a swirling combination of the two. One cannot exist without the other. He hates himself for it.

He destroys everything he touches. Everyone. Han. Leia. Luke. Even Rey, her pilot, and the storm trooper they've managed to domesticate. People he's never even met. Even Kira. He's ruined them all.

He doesn't stop until the area around him is decimated. The trees surrounding him are in pieces at his feet, rocks have been turned to dust. He melts to the ground when all of his energy has left him. He hasn't eaten recently, but he manages to throw up what's left in his stomach. He wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, then sits back against the tree behind him. It's the only one still standing.

He doesn't know how long he's like that. He can't sleep, stuck in an almost paralyzed state. He feels Kira trying to reach him, and it kills him to push her out. He can't do this right now.

"Anakin," he cries out suddenly, his voice weak and raw. He sounds awful. "I know you have the guts to talk face to face with me, you bastard."

Just like that, his grandfather appears in front of him, stepping over the fresh rubble. Kylo's surprised. Anakin Skywalker looks young, around Kylo's age. He's dressed in Jedi robes. Not the old man, half machine, he died as. That must be how Anakin sees himself now. Kylo sees bits of himself in his grandfather's appearance.

"Ben."

Anakin crouches down in front of Kylo, and he notices that his own hands are shaking.

"I'm sorry I never tried talking to you." He gives Kylo an almost shameful grin. He wants to punch his grandfather in the face, but holds himself back. "Snoke kept me away from the base. He kept me away from _you_. I tried, but I couldn't get through."

It makes a little more sense now. He knows how powerful Snoke is. He knows he's strong enough to prevent Force ghosts from getting anywhere near Kylo. He couldn't have his star student turning away from the Dark Side.

"I didn't want to be oppressed, hurt, my whole life. I didn't want to be on the losing side. That's why I did it."

Anakin nods. "I fell to the Dark Side to protect your grandmother. But... It didn't work. I loved her, but... I killed her."

There's a pained expression on his grandfather's face. He's heard that story before, from his mother and Luke a few times. Anakin killed the woman he loved. Kylo thanks the Force for not having him follow too closely in Anakin's footsteps. He doesn't know what he'd do without Kira. He'd rather kill himself a thousand times than hurt her.

"Kira told me you talked to her. Why didn't you go right to me?"

Anakin sits down across from Ben. His hands fold neatly in his lap. "Look around you. Why is there a circle of downed trees?"

"I lost control," Kylo answers without missing a beat.

Anakin looks like he's the poster child for self control with the way he's looking at him. Hypocrite. Ben doesn't forget who's sitting in front of him. Anakin's head tilts. "Why?"

"... I don't know," Ben admits. He's lost. "Do you still feel the Dark calling to you sometimes?"

Anakin nods solemnly. "I always will. I don't have to answer it, though. You don't either."

He curls over, hiding his face in his hands. They're dirty and bloody, though, and he has to keep them away from his face unless he wants to look savage. They fall into his lap.

"You can move past it. You've been given a second chance. Now use it. Don't be a fool, like I was. You have a family, you have Kira..."

Anakin never got a second chance. He died saving his son, Sith Lord turned to the Light Side only a few minutes before his death. Ben's different, and he always will be. He's the lucky one. He got a second chance even when he didn't deserve it. Ben thinks about his family, the people waiting for him a few miles south from where he's sitting right now.

"Did they ever forgive you?"

Anakin's lips curve downwards into a frown. "Luke did, even before I was dead. And you know your mother..." Anakin smiles, despite the solemn topic. "It took a while. But she did eventually, I think. She's smart. She could see right through me- no pun intended, of course."

Ben nods. He knows it'll be the same with him. Luke blames himself, although Ben wishes his uncle would blame him instead of live with guilt. Leia will push him to be the best he can be. Han will love him endlessly, although he'll try to hide how strong his emotions are.

He thinks about what Kira told him they have to do to protect the ones they love. "How do we kill Snoke, then?"

Anakin sighs. "You've always had the strength to do it, but he never let you figure that out. He's weaker than you think."

He's never even thought he could overpower Snoke. Snoke, who punished him for every mistake until he learned not to make them anymore. Snoke, who taught him the ways of the Dark Side after he'd gotten to know the Light Side so well. Snoke, the man who'd molded Ben Solo into the powerful Kylo Ren. Snoke, who'd sat back and gave commands, taught, directed, but never actually DID anything. It makes some sense. Snoke's power is in his words, not his actions.

"He's faking it, then," Ben murmurs, more to himself than Anakin. "I know where to find him. I haven't told Leia yet, but I know enough about the First Order, from being at the goddamn TOP of it, I could get inside and find him.... unless they're expecting me."

He knows there's a chance that Snoke is waiting for him. He doesn't know if he'll be ready, and Kira needs time to heal, even with all the Force healing Luke can do for her. And then, he doesn't know if Leia will allow him to leave. Now that he's in her territory, he knows she won't let him slip away without a fight. She just found him again. He doesn't even know if HE'S ready for that yet.

"You'll figure it out. You and Kira, you balance each other out, make each other stronger."

Ben thinks about Anakin and the woman he loved, Padmé. He's heard from his mother that she was a strong leader, devoting herself to her people since she was a young girl. Anakin began having visions of her dying during childbirth, and fell to the Dark Side out of fear. He knows Anakin's lost a lot. All he can do now is make sure his family doesn't go through the same thing.

"I can't lose her," he tells his grandfather. "She keeps me from losing control."

"I know," Anakin doesn't miss a beat.

"What if he hurts her?"

"It could happen," Anakin shrugs. "But she's strong."

Their life is full of struggle. It's hell some days, but they've made it this far. Anakin's right; Kira is strong. Probably stronger than Ben, even. He thinks she gets it from Leia, honestly, since she spent so much time with his mother when they were children. Some days, she'd convince Ben to spend the day following his mother around, or watch Han fix the Falcon. Her parents were both pilots, and spent a lot of time on missions for the Resistance, so she spent most of her time with his family. Luke's always been loyal, but he was never strict enough to control her. She broke her arm climbing out of a window while he was supposed to be watching her once, and after that, Leia'd come to the shocking conclusion that maybe HAN would somehow do a better job.

Anakin clears his throat, bringing Ben back to the situation before him. "You should get back to your family," he peers up at Ben. He's leaning over, which is the only reason he looks shorter than him. He's always assumed his height came strictly from Han, but maybe he got it from the Skywalker side as well; a gene that skipped his mother and uncle.

"Will I ever see you again?" He sounds like he's a teenage girl sneaking off to be with a boy, and he knows Anakin thinks that as well when a small snicker appears on his grandfather's youthful face.

"Of course, Ben," he grins. "You might even grow sick of my presence; your mother certainly has, some days."

He never really thought about his grandfather visiting his mother. He can see it now, the General snapping at the ghost of her father, making him work for her acceptance.

"I'll do my best."

Anakin nods. "I know you will."

His grandfather stands up in one smooth motion. "I'll see you again soon, kid."

With those words, the young man turns away from Ben, and disappears into the forest. Ben stands up, looking through the trees back towards where he came from. After a deep breath, he starts walking. His thoughts are racing after everything he's heard today, and it's not even noon yet.

He knows what he has to do, he knows how to do it. He'll do everything in his power to kill Snoke, and finally start to fix the mess he's made. He just hopes it's enough.

 


	17. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i finally feel like this is going somewhere, which is good. i'm probably going to have an overly stressful, busy weekend this week, so this might be the only update for a few days. 
> 
> i've been working on older chapters, adding small things and just making them better in general, but nothing major, btw. thanks for reading, and thanks to my 3 comments so far, it's nice as a writer to know that someone out there appreciates what you're spending so much time doing, what you're working so hard on (instead of, you know, homework, stuff like that, lol). anyways, hope y'all have a good rest of your week. :)

~Behind my eyelids are islands of violence,  
My mind's shipwrecked, this is the only land my mind could find~

 

 

When he finally returns to Kira, she's talking with Han. Luke is in a chair in the corner, possibly sleeping. He's curled up in his Jedi robes, which trail down the edges of the arms of the chair then pool on the floor. The sight of his uncle forces Ben to look away before the guilt can reach him. Leia's gone, probably at another meeting of some sort. He knows how busy she is, being a General. She's practically the leader of the Resistance. Or maybe she's given up on him. And his father... well, it's like picking at a scab, thinking about Han. He's done so much to disappoint his father. Out of his whole family, he knows his father's the most fragile, deep down. Ben keeps his head down, something he's not used to doing, so he doesn't have to meet his father's eyes. He doesn't want to see the pain in them. Doesn't want to remember that scene, back on the base, where he almost killed his own blood. Where he almost gave himself over completely to the Dark Side. He'd been so close to doing it, going down a path with no chance of returning, no chance of escaping.

Kira's voice reaches his ears before the door has even closed behind him. She knows where he's been. "Ky... Do you understand now?"

Ben swallows, taking a seat on the bed next to her. He's as far away from Han as possible. He hopes his father isn't hurt by that.

"Yes," he tells her weakly. He doesn't have the strength anymore. "I found him."

He uses an extra rag sitting on the beside table to wipe the blood off his hands. He must look terrible. She's not to healthy either, with a blaster wound, and now a few broken ribs that the bacta hasn't gotten to yet, along with a few remaining bruises. His soul aches. He's spent some time at his father's bedside, but this is the first time he's seen Han awake since that night on Starkiller Base.

"Ben," he hears, and he painfully brings his eyes up, meeting the warm hazel eyes he hasn't really gotten to look at since he was young. He can see the love in his father's eyes. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve love, or forgiveness. He's done so much to everyone around him.

"I'm sorry." The words rush out of his mouth, and he's begging, but he knows it could never be enough. He tried to kill his own father, he killed Luke's students, he's killed his mother's people. He's a murderer, and an apology isn't going to fix anything.

"I know," Han looks at him, and he's unable to look away. "I still love you, though. Don't forget that."

Ben's maneuvered around Kira in less than a second, and he's in Han's arms before he can even realize what he's doing. His father doesn't push him away, though. Han's arms wrap tightly around his thin body. He clings tight. If he lets go, he might fall.

It feels like he's a kid again, safe in his father's arms. He's missed the smell of oil and grease, the smells of the Millenium Falcon. He hasn't seen much of the ship for a while, which is probably a good thing. He misses her, nearly as much as he's missed his family. He was practically raised in the Falcon, amongst spare parts, sometimes even nestled next to Chewie on colder days. He's been such a fool for leaving this behind.

"I missed ya, kid," Han says in a gruff voice.

"I'm so sorry," he croaks. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

Han's lips brush his son's forehead, and Ben's eyes are watery for a second from the affection. He hasn't felt loved by anyone but Kira since they were young adults years ago, still a part of the strange, but close, family. He's missed it.

"I know," Han repeats. "Your mother told me you've already given them a lot of information. She wants you to know they're working on pinpointing Snoke's exact location already, and they're going to start preparing for an attack soon. Without your help, we'd still be clueless."

He's surprised they've worked so quickly. It's only been a few days since he arrived at the base, and he told them what he knew as soon as he could, but the Resistance must be stepping it up. They stand more of a chance against the First Order now. It's a comfort, considering fear of being on the losing side was one of the reasons he gave in and joined the Dark Side in the first place.

The idea of confronting Snoke as a traitor to the First Order terrifies him to the core. He has no clue how he'll defeat his former teacher, but his grandfather does have a lot of faith that he'll succeed, so Snoke might just end up being weaker than he ever could've imagined. Maybe they do stand a chance.

"It's the least I could do," he admits. The least he could do after he's caused so much pain and destruction.

They eventually part, and Ben remembers that Kira's sitting on the bed, still awake. He gives her a small smile, and she reaches out to lace her fingers through his. Her eyes linger on a small spot of blood he missed when he wiped his hands off. She doesn't mention it though; she's seen him like that before. She knows how it happened.

Han's lips twitch into a smile. "I had to give Chewie half of my breakfast to convince him to stay with Leia for a few hours instead of coming with me. He's fixed up the Falcon a little better than she usually is, and he even gave her a bath. I think he wants to take you two out in the Falcon soon."  
  
It's nothing less than he expected from the wookie. Chewbacca will fight viciously if he needs to, but he's always doing it for the people he loves. He doesn't look like it, but he's soft, deep down.

"I'm looking forward to it," Kira says softly. He can feel the hopefulness in her heart. She just wants to be happy again. Wants everything to go back to normal. She doesn't want to be a monster anymore.

"I don't think you have a choice," Han says, his eyes bright. Ben can see the tears in them, but he's not sad. He's relieved.

  
Han starts to tell them about the Resistance; how they're doing, and what their plans are. Luke wakes up soon, listening to his friend. He hasn't been around either, so he doesn't know anything about what the Resistance has been doing lately. After a while, their conversation turns to Rey, the former scavenger who's somehow pushed her way to the center of the battle. Ben mentions that he's gone after her twice, and he still ended up not succeeding. She's Force-sensitive, and no one really understands why she's so powerful. She's told Han that she was abandoned as a child, and has kept herself alive since then.

A question suddenly pops up in Kira's head, and she blurts it out. "Will you train her?"

A gentle frown forms on Luke's face and Kira begins to think she made a mistake. Training, for Luke, must be a sensitive subject. After all, his last students were killed by his own nephew. Only Kira was spared because she'd known Ben his whole life and he couldn't bring herself to kill her. It'd been good that she was powerful enough to be accepted by Snoke.

"I'm not sure," Luke speaks after a few moments of heavy silence. "Maybe someday."

She nods. "I met one of her friends last night. Poe. I couldn't sleep, so I ended up in the training room, and they showed up after a while. He seems like he's a good man."

Han nods. "I've seen some of those younger Resistance pilots flying. He's one of the best, I've heard," he says.

"He showed me the woods. It's beautiful out there. That's where I talked to Anakin," Kira tells them, and Ben's curious. He had no idea that Kira'd gone out while he was asleep. That means she's still having trouble sleeping. He makes a mental note to confront her about it later. He's worried about her even more now, but at least she wasn't alone. He remembers Poe. He's interrogated the pilot; tortured him for the First Order. He was strong, but not strong enough. Kira must not realize he's met Ben before.

"What did you just say?"

Luke sits up, his eyes showing his surprise. Han's face is blank enough to show Ben the truth. Apparently, Luke was asleep when Kira told Han everything. He hasn't even heard the full story yet himself, though.

"I talked to your father," Kira mumbles, her face paling just a little. He thinks she's just now realizing exactly how that seems. "He told me we're supposed to find Snoke. And kill him."

Luke relaxes a little, his eyes still on Kira. She continues talking. "Ben talked to him, also."

His uncle nods slowly. Ben doesn't know much about who his grandfather was when he wasn't Darth Vader. It's clear Luke loves his father, despite everything that's happened. The same way Leia and Luke can still love Ben after he's been the enemy for so long. They watched their own father return to the Light. Because of that, they must have always believed there was still light in Kylo Ren. They were right.

"He's given me a lot of advice since I was younger. He wouldn't stop pestering me when I... when I left. He kept telling me to turn around and go get you."

The guilt returns in an instant, but this time, Ben lets it wash over him like a wave. For the first time, the guilt starts to fade after it hits him. It doesn't go away; it never will, he suspects, but it's not tearing him apart anymore. He's healing, in a way.

"I wish you had," Ben whispers. Part of him hopes his uncle, his father, and Kira don't hear him. He doesn't want to make them share his guilt. He knows Kira's already feeling it, but he doesn't want to push the blame on people who don't deserve it. It's Ben's fault, and his fault alone, and only he can take the blame for it. If it weren't for him, Kira would've grown up a pilot probably, like her parents. Or maybe she'd try her hand at leading, like Leia. Luke would've trained many successful Jedi, who would go on to protect the innocent and fight for the right thing. Leia and Han would never have separated. No one would've been hurt this badly.

He feels Kira's presence shove into his mind suddenly, and though he tries to push her out, she forces into his head. _Stop it,_  she begs him. _Stop blaming yourself. You're not the only one at fault._

Ashamed, he gives her hand a reassuring squeeze. He'll stop, for her, even though he knows he's right.

"The past is the past," Luke raises his eyes, staring Ben down until he nods, but Ben stays silent. "Keep that in your mind. Don't forget it."

He knows he has to move forward. It's hard, and it hurts, but he's trying his best. When their conversation switches to Leia, and the meeting she's been summoned to at the last minute, Ben brings up writing down more access codes for them. Security passes, codewords, poorly sketched but still useful maps and blueprints, and descriptions of all sorts. Han pulls a pad of paper out and he starts writing immediately. Kira helps him, her side pressed up against his. She tells them how she's taught and trained so many of the stormtroopers. How she prided herself on having the least amount of defective or failed soldiers. She writes down their weaknesses. How to beat them. They spill everything they know, everything that could possibly aid the Resistance in any way. Soon, the whole pad of paper is filled with secrets, even the margins. Luke promises to deliver it to his sister as soon as possible.

All that's left for them now is to kill Snoke.

 


	18. Pain

~there's an infestation in my mind's imagination~

 

 

 

Kira has a nightmare that night, after everyone's left them and Ben is just starting to snore peacefully next to her. As soon as she falls asleep, Snoke is there, and she can tell _instantly_  that he knows what they're going to try to do soon. He knows they're going to try to kill him. So he tortures her in her sleep as much as he can.

This time in her dream it's Luke who's dead, his body laying broken on the floor in front of her. She checks for a pulse but he's already gone, and just as she stands up, Snoke appears. She knows it's not real, knows it's just a dream, but she can't fight the pain that creeps over her.

"You coward," she seethes, lifting her eyes to look at the wispy figure in front of her. She hears him laugh and her fists clench stiffly at her side.

"You don't belong in the light," he cackles, his hood slipping an inch off his head before he adjusts it. A shudder runs up her spine suddenly. She can't say without a doubt that Snoke is wrong. She's belonged to both sides, and although the light side was more enjoyable, she enjoyed the power of being on the dark side, also. The security in knowing she could bring a grown man to his knees gasping for air with her mind. She's so torn.

"I don't belong fully on either side," she retorts. "I'm choosing the light, though. You can't stop me."

The old man draped in robes takes a step closer to her, and his foot lands on Luke's wrist. She hears the sickening snap of a bone breaking. Snoke makes sure she feels the pain in her own wrist. It shoots up her arm and she whimpers. There's nothing she can do.

"I can tear you apart."

Kira shakes her head at Snoke's words. She's believed he could for years now. She used to struggle with her fear of him getting in the way of her success, her ability to work. She knows that Snoke is powerful, but she's realized now that he's not as powerful as he wants her to believe. He can tear her apart, but not easily. And certainly not when she's only dreaming of him. He can't hurt her here.

"I could tear myself apart just as easily as you could," she tells him, feeling the anger against the First Order seeping into her blood. "I'm only mortal. But at least I'm not weak."

He pulls out a knife, but she's not afraid. He's powerless. As the blade is shoved into her heart, she stands tall, staring defiantly at Snoke through the nearly blinding pain. She will defeat him, soon. It's her turn to cause him pain.

 

Kira awakens with a gasp, dragging the air into her lungs as if Snoke physically stole her breath from her. It wasn't real. Luke's alive and well. Snoke can't hurt him. She's okay. Everything's just as she left it.

Ben is still asleep. Back on Starkiller Base, he'd wake up instantly if anything was even mildly wrong with her. Now, she suspects that he's more comfortable, and doesn't have to worry about her as much. His words would help her right now, but she doesn't want to involve him in this. It's just a dream, and she knows he needs his sleep, so she does her best not to wake him, and keeps his unconscious presence out of her head while he's still asleep.

She slips out of bed after planting a soft kiss on his lips and starts walking to the training room, where she first met Poe and Rey what seems to have been years ago. When she walks inside the room, Rey is there. She spots Poe a moment later as he leaps around a punching bag, a staff just like Rey's in his hand. He swings it at his friend, with about as much technique as a child, and Rey's able to block it effortlessly. They fight for a moment, and Kira approaches them silently. They don't notice her, too engrossed in the fight.

Rey's talented, especially for someone completely lacking formal training. She could use some self-control, but she has the strength and power already. Besides, self-control doesn't necessarily mean a more successful fighter. Take Ben, for example. He's reckless, but she knows he could take her out without a second glance, if he wanted to. He has raw power, and even though he's been trained by Snoke himself, he will never be an organized, mature fighter.

When Rey notices her, she sighs, causing Poe to glance over to see what's bothering his sparring partner. He gives Kira a small grin, earning him a glare from Rey. She doesn't like Kira, but it's okay. Kira can't really blame her.

"Want to fight?" Rey asks, and Kira stops walking. _What?_

She's interested, for sure, although a little confused. Kira slowly makes her way over to them, her hands twisted stiffly behind her back. It reminds her of Hux, but she pushes the thought out of her head. General Hux is no longer her concern. He's probably either dead or the new favorite in the First Order now that Kylo Ren is gone. She doesn't want to think about having to fight him. Although they're enemies, she's always mildly enjoyed Hux's presence, and she knows she can't kill him.

"I was told by at least three people not to exercise at all over the next two days," Kira grins, even lifting her shirt up to show Rey the fresh bruises surrounding the fading blaster wound. She knows there's a cut still on her cheek, and her arms are dotted with faint yellow spots, but she's fought under worse conditions. "I'd love to, though."

Poe gets a nervous look on his face, but hands over his staff to Kira. She has to tug on it for him to reluctantly let it go. He's too soft, too worried. She wonders how he's so successful in the cockpit.

"Rey, I'm not sure this is a good idea," he speaks up, his hand brushing back his curly black hair. "She's supposed to be healing."

Rey gives her friend a sympathetic look, but she's not as sympathetic than he is. "She's tough, Poe. She can handle it. Besides, you're not the best fighter."

Rey laughs easily, an honest laugh, and Poe's shoulders relax. He even cracks a smile at the friendly insult. "All right."

The staff feels strange in her hands. She's used to only two things: lightsabers and blasters. Although she's trained with multiple weapons just in case, she's never liked the staff. She doesn't like the idea of being forced to land blow after blow to take out the opponent, rather than one shot, or a few slices with the saber. The staff isn't an efficient weapon, but Kira reminds herself that they aren't here to kill. Just to fight, fairly. To tire themselves out, and stay in shape.

Rey moves first, lunging towards the smaller woman. Kira sidesteps it as she glances down at her hands. The staff doesn't feel balanced, and it's too heavy. She tentatively takes a swing towards Rey, missing. The other girl smirks.

"I've been a scavenger since I was young. I've kept a staff with me ever since," she explains. "It's all I could find out in the desert."

So she's an orphan, then. All alone. Kira wonders if the First Order killed Rey's parents. Most likely. They tend to ruin everyone's lives, some way or another.

"And how exactly did you end up with our droid?"

She can hear the darkness slipping into her voice, reminding her of who she was a week ago. She remembers the search for the droid, the feeling of frustration when they continuously failed to find it. Fear curls in her stomach for a moment as Rey studies her. She knows Rey can hear it, too.

"I found a few men trying to steal BB-8, for rations, and I helped him out of there. He just started to follow me. I had no idea how important he was until I met Finn."

The stormtrooper. Funny how these small, unimportant characters appear out of nowhere and foil the First Order's plans so effortlessly. They're all pieces in a puzzle.

"Snoke punished me for failing," she mumbles, twirling the staff and blocking the occasional offense on Rey's part. "It was supposed to be such an easy task. I suppose now I'm thankful for that failure."

She slips inside Rey's head for a moment while holding her ground effortlessly. It's not as difficult when the girl isn't expecting the intrusion. She's too focused on keeping Kira's weapon a safe distance away.

The first thing Kira notices about Rey is that her mind is overwhelming. She's lived such a simple life until now, and she's exhilarated, if a little exhausted. Kira can feel the determination to stay alive, the self-preservation that's made her so well adjusted to life practically homeless, working all day just for dinner under a hot sun. She has a sort of admiration for the scavenger. She's never known that kind of struggle, but she certainly wouldn't enjoy the solitude. It's a shock that Rey is able to get along with so many strangers when they're probably the first friends she's ever had.

Suddenly, a wall slams up, and Kira lets the girl push her out, not wanting to be overly rude. Rey looks up defensively with a new anger in her veins.

"Stay out of my head!"

Kira's mind goes back to the fight, preferring to fight physically rather than verbally, and she experimentally knocks the edge of the wooden staff against Rey's right arm. She hisses in pain, nearly dropping her own staff, but recovers right before Kira can strike again. She's a worthy opponent when she tries. When she's being fueled by her anger, yet has just enough self control to not lose herself in it. Luke will tell her to push the anger away, but Kira knows the truth. Anger can turn the weaker opponent into a victor.

Kira's small. Significantly shorter than Poe and Rey, and the same height as Leia. She doesn't have long limbs to carry her around quickly or reach out further than her opponent, but she does have speed and technique. The speed came from growing up smaller than everyone else and desperately needing a way to gain the upper hand, and the technique came from training under Snoke. She has plenty of dirty tricks up her sleeve, but she's not going to use them for a long time, most likely.

Rey hits her a few times, and Kira makes sure she's always doing just a little better than the other girl. She's holding back, like she's always done while teaching or practicing, and she's sure Rey isn't putting her everything into the fight either. After a while, Rey steps back and lowers her staff. She has a few new bruises lining her arms, while Kira's having trouble distinguishing between old and new injuries on herself.

She gulps in air, her eyes stuck on Poe's figure. He's staring at her arms. She knows what he's seeing.

"It's not as bad as it looks," she tells him, gently setting the staff on the ground between her and Rey. The other girl copies her, then sits down right on the mat. Kira stays standing. "Most of these are old." She sits down and he finds his way to the ground facing the two girls, his legs spread out in front of him.

"That doesn't make it better," he responds. "You need to rest."

That's the problem. If she sleeps, Snoke will find her, and even though she knows he's not real and he can't hurt her while she's here, she still doesn't like seeing people she loves dead in front of her. She doesn't ever want to picture that. She knows there have been times when all she wanted was Luke's body on the ground, his heart silent, but things are different now. She can't believe she ever thought that way. "I can't sleep."

"Have you asked Leia? Or Luke?"  
  
Kira shakes her head. No, she hasn't shared her troubles with either of the siblings. It doesn't seem right to whine about mild insomnia when a month ago, she had no trouble getting to sleep after a long day of drawing up battle plans for the First Order and training stormtroopers to kill.

"I deserve this," she groans, her head falling into her hands. "This is my punishment."

Poe looks at a point somewhere behind her, his eyes sad, and she knows it's got to be painful for them to talk to her, the enemy, and not hate her. She hates herself.

After a few minutes of discussing her difficulties sleeping, she asks Poe to talk about his plane, and what it's like flying it. Kira's a decent pilot; she's not the best, and certainly nowhere near Poe, but she's at least better than Ben. His eyes light up when he talks about his girl, and Kira's thankful that she didn't destroy his ship.

Finally, Rey begins to fall asleep, and says goodbye before padding out of the room to go to bed. Poe's starting to look tired, also, so Kira suggests he go to bed. He protests, but she walks him to his room, and refuses to talk to him any longer. He's got a few issues, and Rey does too, but they're still able to sleep, and Kira's not going to take that away from them. She goes back to her room as quietly as possible, and she's in bed after taking a quick shower.


	19. Patterns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a) sorry it took so long, I've been busy. b) comment?

The next morning, when Kira wakes up after getting a few hours of rough, tormented sleep, Ben is gone. His side of the bed is cold, and the sheets are tucked carefully around her body rather than spread across the whole bed. On the table next to the bed, he's left a note scrawled messily, in his rushed handwriting, on a piece of loose paper explaining that he's with his mother. After reading the note, Kira quickly gets dressed in a loose white shirt and grey pants. Then, she braids her hair like she's used to doing every single morning before going out anywhere, then goes to find Ben.

She wanders the halls until she reaches the conference room, feeling his pull get stronger the closer she gets, and when she walks in, it's just Ben, Leia, Poe, and Luke standing around a table hunched over something. They all look up when she enters the room, not expecting visitors most likely, and Poe gives her a smile when he sees it's her.

Ben steps forward, turning her attention away from her new friend, and kisses her before anyone else can say anything. Then she joins the group huddling over a rugged map. It's a First Order map, detailing one of the smaller bases. She knows exactly where it is. A small cluster of quickly constructed buildings on a plain desert planet. They were never meant to be a permanent residence for more than the people maintaining the area, but now that the main base is gone, there's a chance that part of the First Order has relocated to it for the moment. It's the largest of the possible relocation sites, so it's safe to assume that's where they are. If they're studying the map already, then it means that the Resistance is planning on attacking soon. Kira doesn't like the idea. She's hesitant to leave too early. She certainly isn't prepared for an attack, yet. She hasn't trained enough within the last few days, and she's still in awful condition. She needs time to clear her mind, and there's no doubt Ben's the same.

"We're planning on sending ships out in three days."

Kira turns towards Leia as her breathing hitches. It's not enough time. "Leia," she begins, shaking her head, letting her concern slip into her voice. "We need at least a week. _I_ need at least a week."

Leia nods wearily, gently sitting down across from her at the table. Luke sits next to her, then Poe takes a seat on his other side. Ben and Kira are left standing, side by side. "Kira, we don't have much time. If we want to stand a chance... the longest we can wait is five days. We've been prepared for a while now; we have the resources and people, and the sooner we attack, the bigger advantage we have against them. They won't expect it so soon."

She's right, of course. Leia always is. That's how she's such a successful leader. The First Order won't expect an attack for another few weeks. They've just lost their most powerful weapon, hundreds to thousands of men, large amounts of weapons and resources, and Kylo Ren. This is the weakest they've ever been, and the Resistance stands a chance.

"Five days," Kira sighs. "We have five days. I've only been here for five days. A week ago, I was confident that I'd be on that planet with Hux and the rest of them if anything ever happened. I... I guess I need to speak with the pilots. I know every single basic attack pattern that the First Order uses, and they can't change their tactics in this amount of time, so your pilots should know what to expect. As soon as possible."

She notices Poe's brown eyes on her but stays focused on Leia. The General nods, giving her permission to help. She just wants to help them win.

"Dameron." Leia turns to the pilot, whose head snaps up as his eyes meet the eyes of his General. "Tell everyone to meet in conference room 3 in twenty minutes."

Poe nods sharply at Leia, and stands up. He pulls on his jacket, a worn, leather thing that's probably been through as much as he has, then after a warm smile directed towards them all, he makes a hasty exit. They're left in comfortable silence.

"What else?" Luke's gruff voice cuts through the silence, and Kira's eyes land on him. He's speaking to her and Ben. He expects them to do everything they can to help.

Ben's throat bobs as he tries to gain composure. She can feel the unfiltered, childlike worry settling in his mind. They've only just escaped from the war, surprised by the fact that their bodies are still fairly intact. He's not ready rush right back into it, the thing he finally learned to turn his back to. He's faced so much, and he's grown so strong, but he's tired of fighting.

"Ben," Kira says quietly, her hand reaching out to grab his. Then, she speaks before anyone says anything else to them. Ben's not one for showing weakness, even to those closest to him, and she's promised to protect him whenever she can.

"I'll work with your soldiers, if you want me to." Kira wrings her hands in front of her, her nails pressing into her palms. . "I can show them how the stormtroopers fight. After all, many of them were students in my strategic combat classes at one point. The captain, she taught them a lot but what I taught was the basis for their training, it's what most of them will always turn to when in combat, and if your people-" she almost says our people, but doesn't think she's ready for that yet- "if your people know what to expect, they'll have an advantage."

She's not sure who she really belongs to anymore. She's probably somewhere in between; neutral. As neutral as a former homocidal General from the First Order can ever be. She doesn't deserve to call the Resistance her people until she's earned it. She's a traitor to both sides.

"I agree." Leia shuffles the stack of papers, which Kira assumed was just the maps, and hands her a paper that seems to outline the Resistance's hasty plans to leap at the throats of their weakened enemy. She doesn't want to look at it yet. The paper falls back onto the table and her hand slips into the pockets of her pants.

""I'll look at it later," she offers. "Can I train now?"

She feels vaguely like a child asking its mother for permission to go out and play, and Leia gives her the exact look she's expecting, the General's eyebrows narrowing slightly. Not mad, just... Concerned.

"Talk to the pilots first," she sighs. Kira wonders how Leia's aged so much over just a few years. Her eyes are framed by wrinkles, and although they still glint with fire, they're a little softer now. "Do as much as you can, but don't push yourself too hard."

She'll take what she can get. Kira nods. She doesn't say anything, though. No promises to keep herself safe. And Leia knows her. She knows that Kira's a little raw on the inside, a little unsure. She knows it more than anyone probably. Leia nearly raised her. She knows who the little girl grew up to be.

"Ben, I'd like you to stay. Go over the maps we have with Luke and I."

Ben slowly voices his compliance, although he's unsure about leaving Kira. They don't have much of a choice, though.

"I will."

So they separate, Kira heading towards the room full of pilots, and Ben staying with his mother. When she enters the conference room, they all turn to stare at her. There's no less than 50 men and women. She's severely outnumbered until she catches Poe's smile from the edge of the room.

He's at her side in an instant, after whispering something to one of the taller men in the front. His hand lands on her shoulder like she's an old friend.

"Guys," he starts, addressing his friends. "This is Kira." The room is silent enough that even mumbling could be heard, but he speaks loudly, his voice full of confidence. "She's on our side. She has some information about the enemy's tactics."

There is nothing in his voice about her being a traitor, a monster. The pilots regard her with a gentle curiosity. They have no idea who she is.

Kira walks to one of the tables and takes a seat, reaching for a pad of paper and a pen. She sketches flight patterns as she talks. "These are only the basic patterns. Flight patterns they'll be using. Tricks they'll be relying on."

The papers quickly fill with drawings. A few of the pilots crowd around her, studying them. Poe, loyal as ever she suspects, is at her shoulder. His hand is back on her arm like an anchor.

"Most of them will go direct. The second group will swoop around the side. You won't see all of them coming, even if you do catch a few out the corner of your eye. If they know you're good, they'll fly more recklessly, even to the point of sacrificing themselves to take you down. They'll do whatever it takes."

She's always been against the suicide missions. But Snoke sees his soldiers as expendable. Tools, to utilize. As long as their lives were used for the good of the First Order, then it was worth it.

"How do you know?"

She hears the question come quietly from the center of the crowd. It's what everyone's thinking. She looks at Poe, knowing the panic shows in her eyes. He gives her a nod, and she thinks it means she should tell the truth. She's not sure.

"I used to be one of them," she responds, then adds "not anymore," because she thinks it'll make the news a little less harsh.

"Why'd you leave?"

Her hand stops moving after scribbling out at least twenty flight diagrams. "Family."

It's the simple answer, since she's tired of explaining it out for every single person she's talked to while she's been here. At least it's true. She's no that awful of a person. Luckily, the pilots stop questioning her after that and stick to asking questions strictly pertaining to the flight patterns she's drawn for them. She spends at least an hour explaining things to them, telling them exactly what to do and what not to do if they want to win. They pay close attention, their heads ducked in over her like she's telling them secrets. She is, sort of. But after today, all of the Resistance will know the secrets of the First Order. Their enemy will be predictable, no longer the side with tricks up its sleeve.

Finally, when she can't rack her brain for any more patterns, they dance against her eyelids. It's barely noon and she's exhausted.

When she stops talking, their eyes leave the scattered papers and find their way to her face. They all hold notes in their hands. "Kira?" Poe asks her, his hand bumping her elbow. She's realized quickly that Poe's hands are a comfort to everyone that knows him. He greets friends with a gentle clap on the back, comforts them with a secure hug, and reminds them that they are cared about with soft touches to the arm, the shoulder. It's nothing romantic, just a friend being eager to show others that he will always be a friend.

"That's it, I think." She's poured her brain onto the papers in front of her. "That's everything."

One of the pilots to her left, a shorter man with soft red hair almost like hers, gives her a smile. "Thank you."

She nods. "No problem."

Chatter about lunch picks up in the crowd, and one by one, the men trickle out, most of them thanking her before they leave. When it's just Poe left, he stares down at her. He looks boyish with his black curls bouncing as he moves.

"You should eat, also. You've been talking, drawing, writing for an hour now. Follow me."

Kira stands up, picking up her papers and putting them into a neat stack. Poe starts to walk away and she quickly follows behind him. He weaves through halls until they finally end up outside in one of the courtyards. He grins, heading over to a small wooden stand. Behind it is a man slaving away in a tiny kitchen. She remembers eating from food trucks as a child. Even on a Resistance base, there are small businesses selling some sort of good or service.

Kira gazes at the menu scribbled on wood above the man for a few seconds before deciding on a sandwich. Poe orders the same thing, then they step back to let others order. Poe leads her to a small table a few feet away, set under a willow tree.

She sighs. "I broke my arm climbing a willow tree once," she admits to Poe. "Luke was blamed for it. He's wise, but certainly not the best babysitter for young children. He had told me to explore on my own, if that was what I wanted. So I did, and my parents realized that he was just as bad as Han, who'd always have us helping with the Falcon. Since they were pilots themselves, my parents knew how dangerous such a ship was. They were both so busy flying every day, though, so they didn't really have a choice. Occasionally, we'd be permitted to follow Leia around. When I was younger, I was convinced that I'd follow in her footsteps someday. I'm not sure whether to consider that goal accomplished or not."

Poe nodded, stepping up to grab their prepared sandwiches before sitting back down across from her and responding. "You're a General, aren't you?" Kira nods. Technically, she's equal to Leia. But she will never be half the woman Leia is.

"So you were practically raised by a Skywalker princess and a smuggler." Poe chuckles at the thought. Han Solo seems like he should be a different breed than the neat, wise leader he married.

"I was. What about you? I'm assuming your parents weren't always home to watch you?"

Poe smiles gently. "No, they weren't always home to care for me, although they could not have loved me any more than they did. Whenever they were both away, I stayed with either my aunt, Maya, and her husband and two children my age or a retired family friend named Adam. It was always a treat to stay with Adam. He would take me out in his small ship. We'd go on picnics by shimmering lakes, climb mountains... Every week or so. I didn't ever mind when they were away. I knew they were doing important things whenever they were gone. Helping people. So I promised to one day do the same."

Poe Dameron could be the face of the Resistance. He's been raised a loyal member, not bound by blood but by love. The kind of man Hux would laugh at, not knowing the strength of his opponent. She's not surprised that Leia seems to have picked Poe as a member of her innermost circle. He deserves it.

"You're incredible," she smiles at him. "I was always angry about my parents being away. Then when they were home I'd be angry at them for not spending time with me whenever they had to leave for meetings. I was jealous. The Resistance got all of their attention. Then when Ben and I were sent to train with Luke, we saw our families even less. I didn't really understand, until now, I think."

It's why she left. She doesn't say it, but the words linger in the air, and she knows he can sense them. It's why, that night, years ago, when her best friend, the only boy she'd ever kissed, had murdered every single one of their peers. Their friends. He'd felt the same way as her. They'd been jealous children, and taken it too far to ever go back.

"I'm sorry," Poe whispers, taking a small bite of his sandwich. She mirrors him, finally tasting the meat and vegetables in her mouth. It's such a deep conversation to be having at lunchtime. "At least you're back now, though."

He's so goddamn kind, a light against her raging darkness, it physically pains Kira. He's so good. The kind of person she's always wished she could be. So in control of his emotions, and knowing exactly what to say.

"I guess that's the only good thing I've got going for me," she shrugs.

They talk about other things, like Poe's friend Finn who's still in a coma from his injuries, and Poe's ship. Finally, after they're finished with their lunch, Poe walks her back to the main room where Leia, Luke, and Ben are still hovering over the table. Ben's scribbled notes all over the maps. He's been working equally hard as she has.

They keep working. Tirelessly, as always. Kira heads to the training room to get some practice in, even fighting Ben for half an hour without stopping. Kira works with some of the people who have volunteered to fight the First Order in a few days when it's time to attack. At the end of the day, she thinks that there's a possibility that maybe, just maybe, this makes her part of the Resistance once again. She hopes so.

 

 

 

 


	20. Finn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok does anyone even care about this story anymore??

That night, FN-2187 wakes up from a coma, in his hospital bed. Poe is at his side within minutes, having been alerted by the medical staff as soon as it happened. He runs there. He's the only one, besides Rey, they call. Finn doesn't have any family, and the only friends he has are the two he's made the past month. So Poe can't just abandon him, even though it's 2:39 am and he'd been comfortably asleep for a few hours. He's there before he's even fully awake.

When he first sees the other man, Finn is leaning against a fluffed pile of pillows, allowing a nurse to hover over him and check various medical things on a little handheld computer. He can see the recognition in the stormtrooper's eyes the second he notices Poe standing in the doorway, and it brings a smile to the pilot's face. He's glad that Finn is back. Finn, the stormtrooper who ran from his past and built himself a future. Poe's proud of him, for everything he's done in the past few days.

"You look good," Poe grins. For a while, he wasn't sure if Finn would ever wake up. Yet here he is, seemingly back to normal. His eyes are lit up, enough for Poe to realize how much he missed it.

"So do you," Finn smiles. "I wasn't sure where you were, then suddenly I felt dizzy, and next thing I know, I'm in a hospital bed. The nurse was too kind to be with the First Order, so I knew that I was safe. They told me you've been coming here a lot."

Poe nods. "I was worried. You weren't waking up," he admits, taking a seat next to the bed. "You've been asleep for a week. Completely unconscious, even though you twitched a few times." Poe smirks when he sees the color on Finn's face, but it's worth it.

"I did _not_!" Finn squeaks, but he knows it's true. "So..." He looks around, taking in the light seeping through the white curtains and the table with a bright red fruit sitting on it. It's not like anything he's ever seen before. He's never felt so safe. Comfortable. "This is the home of the Resistance. I never expected it to be so strong."

Poe's proud. He's been in the Resistance his whole life, and it's all he's ever known. He's always known how strong it is. "It's amazing," he chuckles. "We've got fresh fruit even. You're lucky to be here." Poe grabs the fruit and tosses it gently towards Finn. For half a second he's worried that maybe Finn's too weak or tired to catch it and it's going to hit him right in the face, but at the last moment his hands shoot out and grab the apple. He turns it over a few times in his dark hands then takes a bite. Juice dribbles down his chin, and Poe laughs.

"Messy eater," he comments. Finn blushes again, wiping his face with his white sleeves. Then, he continues to eat. He eats like he's been asleep for a week, so Poe's not too worried about him. He's had friends wake up and refuse to eat before, and he doesn't want that to happen to his best friend. He wants Finn to have a smooth, perfect recovery, as unlikely as it is. He deserves it.

"I'm serious, Finn," Poe says suddenly. "I'm glad you're here."

Finn sets the apple down. "I'm glad _you're_  here. You risked your life for the Resistance. You would have sacrificed yourself if you thought it'd help. I'm glad you got out without a scratch. I don't know what I'd do if you were gone."

Poe's eyes unconsciously drift towards Finn's. He looks happy. Happier than most people who survived the battle with the First Order. Poe's not sure how he does it. How such a soft man survived being a stormtrooper, being tortured and pushed and starved and beaten for years before making the decision to become a traitor.

"Well, I'm not leaving you any time soon," Poe gives him a gentle smile. "So you don't have to worry about that."

Finn nods, then takes another bite. "Good."

"Are you getting out today?"  
  
Finn lifts his shoulders in a lazy shrug. "I'm not sure. I forgot to ask my nurse, and she's gone now. I guess I'll just find out later. I'm not sneaking out, by the way. I know you were going to mention it. I'm staying here until they're okay with me leaving. The nurses know better than we do."

"Finn," Poe rolls his eyes. "That's all right. I won't make you. You need your rest, anyways. I'm guessing you've heard that we're attacking in a few days."

Finn nods. "I have heard. The General asked if I would fight."

Poe already knows what Finn's answer was. He learned fairly quickly that Finn is fully invested in being the best person he can be now. He's not going to just relax and let other people risk their lives. He's brave. "And you said yes."

Finn frowns. He pauses for a second. "I had to. You don't understand what the guilt will do to me if I don't help."

Poe's heart falters when he hears what Finn's saying. The guilt. He should've known, should've expected Finn to not be able to move on. Poe's always been on the right side, and he's never even been through a fraction of what Finn has. His chest hurts.

"So I can't talk you out of it."

Finn's frown deepens. "You can't. This is something I have to do. I'll do my best to come back after it's over."

Poe hates this war. He hates that it takes so much from him, so many people he's loved, and it won't stop until they make a big enough sacrifice to finally end the First Order. But it'll never be over. After they win, the Dark side will rebuild slowly, until it's ready to fight again. The cycle is never over, and it will never stop taking the people he loves from him. He doesn't want Finn to be next.

"You better come back, Finn." Poe's eyes close for a second. "You have to."

Finn gives him the saddest look he's ever seen. "For me," Poe adds. "Please."

"I will. Don't worry about me, Dameron. I've got an advantage. I know the enemy. I'm not just going to let you go like that." Finn gives him a small smile.

A thought suddenly hits Poe as his heart aches. He's in love.

He _loves_ Finn.

The thought nearly takes his breath away. He's in love with Finn, FN-2187, this traitor to the First Order. He's known about his preference for men for years now, but he's never expected this.

"Poe?" Finn's staring at him now. "What is it?"

Poe shakes his head, clearing his thoughts. "Nothing." For now. Maybe they stand a chance, being together, after this is all over. After there's not a reason to fear for their lives every moment. Maybe then they can have a life together, if Finn's even interested in him that way.

"You can go back to bed," Finn tells him. "I promise I'll be here in the morning. Go get some sleep."

Poe nods, then stands up. He can't stop thinking about Finn. "Okay. You too, Finn."

He slides the chair back towards the table then turns away from Finn. _God_ , he's in love.

 

 


End file.
